


Just Don't Give Up On Me

by rainandsnow



Category: Smallville RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-31
Updated: 2011-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-06 20:18:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 40,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainandsnow/pseuds/rainandsnow
Summary: Jared and Jensen have both fought their inner battles against what they want for so long. Maybe it's time for them to face it all. But can they weather the storm and make it work, or will reality and the past rear it's ugly head and keep them apart.





	1. Chapter 1

Jensen pushed Jared against the door of the trailer the minute it shut behind them, fingers curling into shaggy hair and pulling tight, and ‘Oh God’ how long had he wanted to touch that hair, feel it slide between his fingers? Now that he could admit it to himself, it felt like forever. “Shit, Jared, you just had to push and push didn’t you? Fine. I can’t take it anymore…the constant touching, the brushes up against me, the climbing all over me in public…you wanted it, now you got it. I can’t fight anymore, don’t wanna fight anymore. Take it.”

 

He groaned, leaning into his best friend and pressing a hot, open mouthed kiss there, tongue coming out to brush along his lower lip. And it tasted right, and it felt so good; and right at that moment he couldn’t remember why he fought against this for so long.

 

Jared moaned deeply, hands coming to encircle Jensen’s waist, digging into ribs and hipbones. He slanted his head, mouth opening to thrust his tongue into the hot sweet mouth beneath his. Tasting, just finally tasting that beautiful, sensual mouth. God, how many times had he imagined how his best friend’s mouth would taste? 

 

How many times while he was on set with him, how many times when they were out in public, or hanging out, or when he saw someone else kissing, licking that mouth. And it was so good, Jensen tasted like coffee and mint and sex, God, he tasted like the best thing Jared could imagine, only before now he couldn’t have imagined it, had no idea it existed. 

 

Fuck he had wanted this for so long. Jensen was right, he had been pushing, waiting for the opening to come, waiting to hear Jensen tell him enough and push him away, or break finally and tell him to take it. He didn’t know when it had started, it had just been building for so long, until it was a constant burn, an ache inside of him. He spent hours, hell days, just imagining the things he wanted to do to this man, to his mouth, with those hands. He couldn’t remember a fantasy in the last year that hadn’t centered around Jensen. Maybe longer. Pretty sure that he had worked himself to orgasm more times moaning Jensen’s name than anyone else in his life. 

 

And what a fucked up mess. He wasn’t gay, dammit. He wasn’t. So why was he obsessed with Jensen? Fuck if he knew, he just knew that this had been coming to a boil for so long he was ate up with it, and now that it was offered, he was going to suck it all in, relish it, wallow in it and take all of it.

 

“God, Jen.” Jared moaned around the kiss, his lips already bruised and swollen from their frantic mouths fusing and slanting, biting and trying to lick deeper, get closer.

 

His fingers fell to Jensen’s waistband, desperate to feel the skin there, to touch and learn all the things he had been obsessing over for so long. He traced over taut abs, skating around to the soft lower back he had caught glimpses of so many times during filming, during games of basketball, during times just hanging out at the house. He groaned at the fulfilled promise of that skin under his fingertips before sliding them under the top of his jeans and skimming the muscles of his ass and around until they rested just hovering over the cock he intended to learn fully. Glancing up, he saw Jensen’s eyes were on his hands and their progress. Emerald eyes shielded by long eyelashes swept up to meet hazel. 

 

“Jen?” He asked tentatively.

 

“Yeah, Jare, yeah,” Jensen’s voice was a harsh whisper in the quiet room as he gave permission, approval for whatever Jared had in mind. He was past thinking and past worrying and just ready.

 

Jared popped the button on Jensen’s jeans, and slid the zipper down, pushing the jeans and boxer briefs down as his hands skimmed over hips and thighs. His breath caught for a moment as he reached for the hard length displayed in front of him. He had never touched another man’s cock, but this wasn’t another man, this was Jensen and he had wanted this without knowing what he was doing for so long, he wasn’t going to let uncertainty get the best of him now. It couldn’t be that different than touching himself could it? But it was. Oh god, it was. He grasped Jensen tightly, and could have moaned himself at the feel of that hot, soft skin over steely hardness, at how good it felt in his hand, and it was different. And he wanted more. Wanted everything Jensen had to give. But he knew neither of them were going to last that long, not this time.

 

Jensen hissed out a breath as he felt Jared’s huge hand close over him and start to explore as he shed Jared of his pants as well. He looked down, and was awed. Jared’s cock was as beautiful as the rest of him. Had he really just thought that? Yeah, maybe he had. He stroked his fingers over Jared before taking that hardness into his hand and squeezing, fascinated by the sight of a drop of pre come that bubbled up. He ran his thumb up over the slit, gathering and spreading that moisture, and Jared’s body jerked hard, hips stuttering forward as a moan escaped his lips.

 

Their eyes met suddenly and they crashed their mouths together moments later, hands stroking and exploring as tongues delved deep, seeking the essence, the flavor so long denied. 

 

“Fuck, Jen….I’m…I…” Jared dove back in to kiss Jensen, biting his bottom lip until he drew blood as he came, his come coating both of their bellies and hands.

 

Feeling those hot spurts over his own dick, Jensen lost control and his come joined Jared’s, his body shaking before he slumped forward to lean against his best friend.

 

“Fifteen minutes.” Several hard knocks on the trailer door and the loud call jerked both of them back to reality. They jumped apart as if burned.

 

Jared reached for the hand towel lying next to the sink and wiped his hand before cleaning himself up, eyes flicking to Jensen to gauge his reaction. But Jensen had turned around, clean hand pulling his jeans to his hips and heading for the bathroom.


	2. Chapter 1

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

The shooting for the rest of the afternoon was pointless. Either of them could have said that would be the case before they came back from the monumental ‘lunch’ break, but how could they explain that to everyone else? So they struggled through scenes where both were distracted and stilted. Even Kim, who was generally the easiest director to work with, was getting beyond frustrated with both of them.

 

“Enough,” Kim finally called, exasperated with them and the entire wasted afternoon of shooting. “I don’t know how bad lunch was, but you both better get your heads out of your asses before tomorrow morning. We have one hell of a mid-season finale still to finish. I don’t need the two of you checkin out on me before that’s done. You will get your hiatus when that’s done, not before. That’s a wrap for today. I want everyone here bright and early tomorrow. Six a.m. people!”

 

He gave Jared and Jensen one last frustrated, warning look before stomping off to see if anything they had shot was salvageable. Doubtful. They had both looked like rookies out there since lunch. Hell, danced around each other, unable to make eye contact like a pair of fucking virgins on prom night. The infamous Ackles-Padalecki chemistry nowhere in sight.

 

The ride home was as miserable as the last several hours of shooting, neither saying a word as Clif drove them to the house they currently shared. 

 

Jensen stole a glance at Jared, unsure how to even talk to his friend after what had happened. Fuck. It had been incredible. He could still feel Jared’s hands as if they were on him now. Hell, he had come faster and harder than he could remember since he was fifteen years old. How embarrassing. The only thing keeping him from feeling completely ashamed of his stamina was that Jared had been just as quick on the draw. Damn. How fucking incredible would it be if they ever got farther? If, for instance he dropped to his knees the minute they entered the house tonight and sucked Jared until he was gasping out Jensen’s name? He was hard just thinking about it. Really hard. He glanced at Jared out of the corner of his eye before pressing hard against his throbbing erection with his palm. Thank god for long shirts, because in about two minutes they were going to have to get out of this SUV and walk into the house, and the last thing he needed was to be advertising his thoughts again.

 

Pushing open the door, Jared found himself with an armful of Genevieve before he even got into the entryway. Fuck. 

 

“Hey angel,” she murmured, wrapping herself around him. “I couldn’t not come see you, because I’m gonna be gone most of your hiatus.”

 

Jensen felt his jaw clench, along with pretty much every muscle in his body as he watched the display before him, then pushed past them, heading for his room.

 

Jared watched the retreating figure of his best friend, wanted to call out to him, but what was he going to say? He wanted to push Genevieve away, tell her to leave off. And what was up with that? He hadn’t seen her in almost two months, shouldn’t he be happy to have her here? Why was his only reaction frustration and an almost desperate need to go to Jensen and reassure him that he didn’t want her here?

 

The next few days passed with little fanfare and less communication. The rides to work were silent, stilted. They both went through the motions and got through scenes by rote. Neither had time or possibility to deal with what had happened between them, especially not with Genevieve in the house. 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

 

It was late. Jared glanced at the nightstand to see the time, 2:13 a.m. flashing on the alarm clock, when he heard the front door open and voices in the entryway. He recognized Jensen’s voice, and could tell he was drunk from the slow drawl as he spoke to whoever was with him. Did he just fucking giggle? The answering voice was male, also carrying amusement and the drag of alcohol, but Jared couldn’t place it. He felt a deep burn of pain in his stomach as he realized Jensen had brought a man home…to his house. Fuck it. It wasn’t like he could say anything. Genevieve was lying next to him, turned toward the other wall, but there was no denying she was there. 

 

But, Jensen had never brought anyone here before, and definitely not some random hook up. And a guy? Jared felt violence surge through him. He wanted nothing more than to stomp out into the hallway, head straight to Jensen’s room and drag whoever it was out of his house, to beat him until the pain dissipated in his belly. When he was done with nameless faceless guy he wanted to throw Jensen to the ground and fuck him until he couldn’t even think of anyone but Jared. Couldn’t remember his own name, until the only thing he could think was to beg for more, beg Jared to give him what he really needed.

 

Jared heard Jensen’s door close after a few minutes and the house was quiet. He had no idea who was down there, or what they were doing; how much Jensen was giving to this guy that should belong to him alone. He only knew that he couldn’t sleep and images of Jensen’s body entwined with some other guy burned in his brain for hours. He drifted off just before his alarm clock went off at 5:00 a.m. 

 

It was going to be a long long day. He heard Jensen’s door open quietly and then close again before the front door was opened and snicked closed a minute later. Jared resisted the urge to run to a front window and try to see who Jensen had brought home last night. His heart felt tight and wrong inside his chest. 

 

Jensen wondered how he could get to the bathroom, get cleaned up, get coffee, please god, lots of coffee, without seeing Jared, and definitely without dealing with Genevieve’s whining annoying ass. He wasn’t sure when he started being quite so irritated by Genevieve, they had gotten along fine when she was on the show in the beginning, but at this point? He wanted her gone. Was glad she was going wherever during hiatus, even though he wouldn’t be seeing Jared either. Fuck, right now he just wanted his head to stop pounding and his stomach to settle…and for the ache in his chest to ease, if only just a little.

 

They made it through the trip to set and the first half of the day without speaking. Sam and Dean spoke, of course, and it was a testament to their individual work ethics and dedication to their trade that they were able to turn out decent work. Or maybe they were both just too damned tired and scared to have to keep doing these scenes over and over. The only way they were going to get to breathe would be if they finished this episode to Manners’s satisfaction and wrapped up this episode, the mid-season finale.

 

Finally the last ‘wrap’ was called and everyone clapped each other on the back tiredly as they headed out. Jared and Jensen found themselves surrounded constantly as they headed to their respective trailers one last time to change. The mood was upbeat but tired as they laughed with everyone around them and talked about plans for hiatus, neither looking toward the other, thankful for the distraction of cast and crew.

 

Jared stole a few glances at Jensen, wondering what was going through his best friend’s mind. They hadn’t even talked about hiatus, or what either of them would be doing. Too much left unsaid between them to talk about much of anything, both afraid where the conversation would lead. 

 

 

~~~~~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

~~~~~~

 

Jensen packed quickly, having moved up his ticket from its original date. He had planned to spend at least the first weekend in Vancouver. He and Jared generally did take a few days just to hang out and wind down before they went in different directions, if they went at all instead of just hanging out and recuperating together. But this time was different, things were way off kilter and they hadn’t dealt with any of the fallout of their encounter in the trailer.

 

He was feeling antsy, almost jittery inside. He had to get away, out of this house, away from Jared and Genevieve and his own feelings and fears. What had happened with Jared had been a huge mistake, a momentary lapse in judgment. Jensen knew that there was no future for this stupid thing, whatever it was or had been, and he wasn’t sure how they were going to deal with it and get past it, but he knew he wasn’t ready or willing to deal with it right now. So, he was getting out and hoping that maybe they wouldn’t, preferably ever.

 

He put his suitcase by the front door and realized he was trying to keep quiet, like he was going to try to sneak out of the house without seeing Jared. How lame had he become? Seriously? Was he afraid to talk to Jared? But Genevieve was still there, still in bed with Jared as far as he knew, and somehow he didn’t know how they were going to talk at all, let alone pretend normalcy while Jared’s girlfriend was standing between them.

 

Hearing the backdoor open and the commotion of the dogs and Jared coming through the house, stopping to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, Jensen realized he had missed Jared leaving for his morning run. Which meant no sneaking out for him. He wasn’t sure if he felt better or worse for it. 

 

He turned to see Jared leaning against the door jamb, sweating and still breathing heavy from exertion, eyes flicking between Jensen and his luggage. “We need to talk about what happened, Jen. I wanna talk about what happened.”

 

Jensen swiped a hand over his eyes. “There’s nothing to talk about, Jared. It was a stupid moment. We got out of control. It’s over, and we won’t be stupid enough to let it happen again.” He refused to look Jared directly in the eye. “Now we’ve talked about it.”

 

Pushing off the doorjamb with a shoulder, Jared approached Jensen deliberately. “No, that isn’t talking about it. That’s you pretending it was nothing, pushing it away. Burying it, the Jensen Ackles’ way.”

 

“What else is there to say, Jared? Huh?” Jensen became slightly aggressive, leaning toward Jared slightly. “You tell Gen all about it? Tell her to hang out in the room for a while so we could discuss our big gay crisis? After you fucked her? Or before?”

 

Jensen looked surprised the words had come out of his mouth, and generally as if he wanted to push them back in, wave them away. He sounded jealous, and what the fuck was that about? It wasn’t like he didn’t have a girlfriend of his own to answer to. He didn’t care that Jared slept with Genevieve. Right? Why would he?

 

But Jared looked taken aback for a moment before anger crept into his own eyes. “What about you, Jensen? Who the fuck did you bring home and sleep with last night? Since when do you bring home random guys to fuck in my fucking house? Huh? You wanna get shitty and in my face? Let’s do it. I didn’t fuck Gen last night. How could you think that after what happened I would just do that? I guess maybe you think that cuz that’s how you play. You did it so you assume I would too. Guess I just have different standards than you do.”

 

“Oh, do you, Jare? Let’s see. You fucked around with me the other day knowing full well you have a girlfriend, a serious one, and so do I.” He poked Jared in the chest. “You are just so fucking perfect. Jared the saint, eternal good guy.”

 

Slapping Jensen’s hand away, Jared stepped in, crowding his friend, “Fuck you, Jensen, you are so fucking self- righteous. So, I wanna know. Who did you bring home last night? I didn’t know you fuck guys. Who was it?”

 

“I don’t owe you any explanations. And, I guess you shoulda known I fuck guys after last week, huh? You got a piece, so why would you assume you were the only one? Think you are special?”

 

Jared pushed Jensen against the front door, his face now contorted in anger, jealousy firing up once again in his belly. “Fine, you’re a fucking whore who gives it to everyone. I still wanna know who.you.fucked.last.night.in.my.house.”

 

“No one, you dick. I didn’t fuck anyone. I met a couple of people out last night, one of them was the lighting guy Spence. He and his wife had a fight and he was drinking too much, told him he could stay here. He’s straight, dude. Big drama. Pretty sure I didn’t fuck him, no matter how drunk I was. Think I would remember that."

 

Jensen pushed Jared out of his personal space, feeling like he wasn’t able to get a deep breath with his friend so close. But Jared stayed close. “Nuh uh. I heard you both come in. I heard you fucking giggling like a girl, heard you go into your room and heard him come out this morning and leave.”

 

“Whatever. I’m not going to stand here and argue with you about this. It’s not like it’s any of your business anyway. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to answer to you about it. Believe what you want, Jared. Obviously that’s what you are going to do anyway.” Jensen leaned to pick up his suitcase and carryon, trying to shoulder Jared out of his way. “I’m definitely not missing my plane for this shit. I’m out.”

 

When Jared refused to budge, Jensen sighed angrily. “He slept on the couch. He stuck his head in the door this morning to say thanks and that he called a cab. Now fucking back off, J. Now.”

 

Jared was tempted to refuse to move, refuse to let Jensen out of the house without some resolution, not sure he believed that answer, but he just sighed inwardly and stepped away, watching Jensen leave without a backward glance before turning toward the stairs. Steeling himself to deal with Genevieve once again. He needed some time, and she was not making things easier. She was the one wronged here, but Jared just didn’t have the patience or inclination to deal with it right now. He was ready for her to leave.

 

He took the steps two at a time, almost stumbling backward when he came face to face with a teary-eyed, stony-gazed Genevieve at the top, one hand holding the wall as if for support.

 

Mouth opening, Jared paused. He couldn’t exactly ask how much she heard, because, well….what answers did he have no matter what? Besides, the warring expressions of sadness and anger pretty much told him everything he needed to know about her state of mind. Now, the questions were, could he salvage their relationship, and more importantly, did he really want to? He was a faithful guy. Always had been. The rumors that he had cheated on Sandy had hurt because he would never. 

 

But, if he were honest with himself, the thing with Jensen had been smoldering under the surface for years, Genevieve had never really been anything but a filler for times when Jensen was with Danneel, and Jared hated being alone…but she was just not what he really wanted. What he wanted, if he were being deeply, painfully honest, had just walked out the front door angry as hell and maybe never to return. Fuck, what a mess.

 

Genevieve watched the flicker of emotions that raced across Jared’s face with resignation. She knew it was over, could see his lack of real concern immediately. She felt like slapping him, hurting him so he could share some semblance of her pain, but realized it wasn’t worth it. It wouldn’t change anything anyway. She just felt tired. She had spent way too much of her time pretending in this relationship.

 

“I knew.” She paused when her breath caught slightly. “I always knew, I guess. The way you two look at each other, hell, who doesn’t know? Apparently you two, til yesterday. At least this explains why you haven’t been able to make love to me since I got here, huh?” She turned toward the bedroom, wanting to gather what she could and get out quickly.

 

“Genevieve, I am so sorry. I never meant to cheat, I swear. That’s not who I am. I never have you know…before, I mean.” Jared followed her, feeling like a world class asshole for this situation and the way she found out.

 

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I know. But this thing with Jensen. I always knew it was a big deal. Always wanted to pretend, or at least hope you never acted on it, or that you would both get over it with time. But that fear was always there. Because I knew that if either of you ever broke down and admitted this…whatever, was between you, then no one else would stand a chance. I knew that if it came down to it and you had to choose or got to choose, it would always be him.”

 

Jared sat down on the bed, hard. He felt blindsided. He had admitted to himself a long time ago that he wanted Jensen. It had been a long, difficult road to accepting and understanding that, because he had never really considered wanting another man. But Jensen wasn’t ‘another man’…he was just…Jensen. And trying to really explain that, even to himself was impossible. But, this was bigger than that and he hadn’t realized how much Jensen really meant. But apparently Genevieve had, and implied that it was obvious to others as well. His head was starting to hurt and he wanted to just lie down and not think for a while.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there, trying not to think and yet unable to do anything but, when Genevieve said quietly from the bedroom door. “Bye Jared.” And didn’t wait for an answer before rushing down the stairs and out the front door to her waiting cab. 

 

Wow. He had gone from two people he cared for within arm’s reach to none in a remarkably short time. One apparently out of his life for good, and the other…well, he wasn’t ready to even think about the other being gone in any permanent way. He flopped back on the bed and closed his eyes, willing the headache and the painful thoughts away.

 

tbc

 

~~~~~~~~~


	4. Chapter 4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

The next three weeks of hiatus passed without any contact between Jared and Jensen and it was the longest they had gone without talking since the show had been picked up four years ago. Jensen felt the loss like a missing limb, but was unable to come up with answers to how they were going to fix things. Could they just ignore what had happened? He wanted more, so much more from Jared. But he also didn’t know if he could get in deeper just knowing that Jared would eventually walk away, maybe taking his friendship as well as everything else. He couldn’t let that happen. Losing Jared’s friendship would be a loss he wasn’t sure he would recover from. 

 

Worry that things had gone too far already prodded him to at least extend the olive branch, the fear creeping in on him finally forcing his hand. He sent Jared a text that he hoped was apologetic enough without sounding heavy.

 

_im sorry. im not sure i even know what we’re fighting about. i will be home Monday night. you?_

 

Jared felt a rush of relief as he read the message and immediately answered. _Im sorry 2. Home Sunday._

_miss you, you big freak._

_U too, shorty. C u Monday. Pick u up?_

_8:45 im not short, gigantor. see you then._

 

Jared smiled and breathed easier. He had started to really fear that things had gone to a point that he and Jensen were going to have trouble recovering from. 

 

Realizing that his coming to conclusions about what he wanted didn’t mean that Jensen would necessarily be on board was a scary thought. Jared had spent a good portion of the last few weeks making peace with his feelings and trying to figure out how to talk to Jensen about everything. Could he even really tell Jensen? Jensen had Danneel and Jared wasn’t sure that admitting his newly discovered big gay love for his best friend would end in anything but heartbreak for him. 

 

He knew the desire was there for Jensen, hell, their encounter in the trailer had been incendiary. If they ever did get together he worried for their sanity with that much lust driving them. But how much did he want to find out how good it would be? Was it worth possibly losing even Jensen’s friendship? Hell, he had thought about it enough to drive himself crazy and had no answers to account for the wasted time.

 

What if Jensen came back with a smile on his face and a newly discovered happiness with his girlfriend and another ‘it was a mistake’ comment for Jared? What if he felt nothing but friendship and maybe a little lust on the side? Jared finally shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and drew a deep breath. He wouldn’t continue to pile up the ‘what ifs’. He would see his best friend Monday night and they would deal. Most importantly, he knew no matter what he did he couldn’t lose Jensen completely. He was and would always be his best friend. Anything more would just be bonus.

 

For now, he was just ready to get his best friend back, and feel like they were going to be ok, no matter what happened.

 

When Jensen came off the plane in Vancouver, a little more tan and looking a lot more rested than Jared had seen him in a long time, Jared pulled him into a hug and thumped him on the back. He had thought they needed to talk, but now…now he just wanted them to feel right again. He was scared. Scared that if he told Jensen how he felt, things might be worse than ever. For now, unless Jensen brought it up, he was going to just let it lay. For now.

 

Jensen squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he embraced his best friend, breathing him in and trying to keep his thoughts at bay. He felt so much better, hell, had felt a million times better the instant he had seen Jared standing there, looking hopeful and happy to see him, ready to pull him into an enveloping Padahug. It felt like home. Jared felt like home. If this was all he ever had, it would be enough, he told himself, he would make it be enough. This was more than most people ever found. He would hope for more, but not let it break him if Jared never felt like he did.

 

While in Texas, Danneel had sensed something off, had even asked several times, getting more and more frustrated and eventually angry when he refused to even admit there was anything wrong, let alone talk about it with her. He hadn’t been able to touch her all week. Well, he had touched her, it wasn’t like she was a leper, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to make love to her, and she had become more and more suspicious and anxious. 

 

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to. He tried, because if he could just fuck Danneel, he could forget this whole stupid mess with Jared. He kept trying to convince himself of that, but even he wasn’t really that much in denial. But it hadn’t kept him from trying. It just wouldn’t happen. Whenever he would get close, assure himself he could do it, he would inwardly cringe and pull deeper into his own mind. No part of him would get on board. Eventually he gave up, knowing deep down that this was the beginning of the end for them, and unable to admit that either. Coward. Hurting everyone who loved and cared for him and unable to even take the blame or admit the truth. Sometimes he hated himself.

 

Jared was practically bouncing with his usual happy exuberance. He asked Jensen about his trip and got generic answers about family and friends and Texas. He didn’t mention Danneel at all, and Jared didn’t ask even though he had known she was going to be there for almost a week staying with Jensen’s family. Jensen was glad, he was happy just to be back ‘home’ and to see a smile on Jared’s beloved face. They collected his luggage and headed home, discussing Jared’s hiatus and his trip to visit his brother and his family in Maryland. Jared was ecstatic that he had gotten to spend time with his niece and nephew. It had been too long since he had seen any of them and Jared had enjoyed his trip.

 

They spent the next several days hanging out, playing guitar hero, watching football and generally being comfortable in each other’s company again. Both of them ignoring or trying to push down the thoughts and feelings they had uncovered. Neither was sure how to deal, and both were afraid of the outcome if they attempted it. 

 

If their gazes lingered, neither mentioned it. Jensen perfected the art of sneaking glances at whatever part of Jared he could without getting caught, his thoughts straying to how each of those parts would look, feel and taste if ever he got the chance to really explore. Jared spent too much time thinking about fucking Jensen and still keeping a calm serene face on until he could escape to his room to jerk off.

 

Jared didn’t mention Genevieve and what had happened between them, and Jensen didn’t say a word about Danneel. Some things were best left alone at times like these. Besides, how to tell these things without opening up the reasons behind them and dealing with the issues between them?

 

Saturday before the end of hiatus found them in their usual bar, hanging out with several of the guys and a couple of girls from the crew. Jensen gritted his teeth as he watched Jared turn on the Padalecki charm with anyone and everyone, but most especially the pretty costume assistant, Leah. 

 

He was always on edge when he watched Jared flirt. Never sure how far he was going to take it but always certain he didn’t like seeing it. So he drank. Drank more than he should and let it loosen him up and bring out his own inner flirt. It wasn’t nearly as close to the surface as Jared’s. He was more reserved and less inclined to want the attention, but when his back was up like tonight, why the hell not.

 

He didn’t flirt intentionally with the guy from set more than anyone else just because he knew him flirting with a guy would bother Jared more than him flirting with a girl, right? It was just that it was easy when the guy was obviously into him and had been watching him all night. He was just being an equal opportunity guy. Maybe he needed to see if it was just Jared or if he was attracted to guys in general now. Maybe he was having an early midlife crisis and finding out he was bisexual, or gay, or whatever.

 

Jared’s eyes narrowed and he watched Austin, the new twinkie guy, eat Jensen up with his eyes. Hell, not that it was new. Everyone watched Jensen, especially when he got loose and just a bit drunk. It was when the standoffish part of his friend melted away and his eyes got just a bit heavy lidded and sex hung around him like a fog. It was something that demanded response from those around him somehow. Austin was certainly sucking it all in. And Jensen? Well, he seemed to be responding with a curious sort of interest that was causing Jared’s liquor and lunch and maybe yesterday’s breakfast to churn in his stomach like it might revisit him.

 

His eyes met Austin’s and he saw the other man’s gaze widen at whatever he saw there. Big, goofy, fun-loving Jared could put on a stare that would frighten most men when push came to shove. It just rarely did, so most people never knew it. Austin pulled his gaze away from Jared and flicked back to Jensen, uncertain, only to find that the two men were now looking at each other.

 

Jensen saw the look Jared gave Austin and heat curled in his belly. If that wasn’t jealousy, Jensen had never seen it. But, still those unanswered questions piled up in his brain. Why was he jealous? Just because he was territorial and wanted to fuck Jensen? Or was he just feeling insecure about his status as Jensen’s best friend because of the recent upheaval? Or was there something more…something soul deep that Jensen was just starting to poke at within himself, just brushing the edges of, afraid of just how deep it really went?

 

Knowing that if he went over there and drug Jensen out of this bar right now he would do things he would regret, Jared broke the stare and looked back down to Leah, smiling that winning Padalecki grin that no one could resist and faking a good time. He would get himself under control and then he would take Jensen’s drunken ass home and put him in bed. Alone. The last thing they needed was to complicate things further when they hadn’t yet dealt with the last disaster.

 

Jensen saw Jared mentally dismiss him and it brought such a surge of complex emotions that he almost came out of his seat and pounced on Jared. Instead he laughed at whatever inane thing the guy in front of him said, and laid a hand on his where it rested on the bar momentarily. What the hell was his name? Jordan? Hunter? Hell, he was never good with names. Jared knew everyone and kept up with that, and Jensen just listened to Jared for those answers. 

 

But he felt nothing; no spark, no desire, certainly no pounding need to push him against the nearest surface and fuck him, or map out his entire body the way he did every time he even looked at Jared. So, he wasn’t gay. Or, did wanting just one man make him gay? He shook his head, trying to jostle his thoughts into some coherency. He needed to stop drinking or he might do something stupid just to prove something he didn’t even mean.

 

Could you crush your own teeth from grinding your jaw? Jared was pretty sure he was about to find out the hard way as he watched Jensen laugh and touch Austin. That crinkled gaze wasn’t supposed to linger on anyone but him when he laughed like that. Dammit. Just when he thought he was under control, something pushed him back into fury mode. He almost laughed aloud when cartoon-like images of him lifting Austin’s hot little twink ass off the ground and snapping him in at least two pieces flashed through his brain. 

 

Deep breaths, Padalecki. A few minutes of control and you can take Jensen home. Where he belongs. In your house with you and no one else. Just hang in there so you can make it happen. 

 

Leaning close enough to breathe in his scent and ghost breath across his ear, Jared kept his eyes on Austin, narrowed and warning as he spoke softly just to and for Jensen, “You ready to go, man?”

 

Jensen shivered at the feel of that breath on his ear and turned toward his co-star, their faces almost close enough to brush lips. “Yeah, sure.” His own voice was low and husky. As long as it meant Jared was leaving whatever-her-name-was, he was definitely on board for heading out. 

 

“Yeah.” He repeated. 

 

With quick good-byes all around, they stepped out into the cool, misty Vancouver night. Together.

 

~~~~~~~~~


	5. Chapter 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

“Awfully cozy in there with the little costume girl, Jare. Not cool, ya know. Genevieve doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, man.” Jensen stumbled a little, lack of balance and sobriety deflating a bit of credence from his self-righteous attitude of the moment.

 

“Umm, not that it’s any of your business, Jen, and not that I did anything wrong either way, but Genevieve and I broke it off weeks ago.” He wanted to shake Jensen, ask him how fucking dense he really was that he didn’t know the reason, anyway. Drunk bastard.

 

Jensen almost felt guilty for the flood of relief he felt at those words. He really had become a bitch when it came to Genevieve, huh? “Oh. I’m sorry. I’m drunk, I guess, and that’s not an excuse. Anyway, I’m real sorry, man. If you need to talk…you know…” He shrugged. “I guess I didn’t mention that Danni and I kinda called it quits, too. While I was there. Just…you know…too much time apart, whatever…it was just not really working anymore.”

 

Jared snorted. “Yeah, I guess you figure that made it ok to think about taking Austin up on his offer for a quick fuck, huh?”

 

“Whatever, dude…what’s that? You’re sorry too? Yeah, thanks…” Jensen snarked. “Nice.”

 

Jared noticed Jensen hadn’t denied that he was thinking about going home with fucking Austin, but he also recognized he was being a shitty friend. As of right now he had the obligation to be a good friend and didn’t have the right to act like a jilted lover. “Sorry. Just a long night, I guess. I’m sorry, too. You know I am. You and Dan were together a long time. I know you loved her. I’m here, for whatever…you know that, right?”

 

Taken back momentarily as his alcohol befuddled mind tripped over the ‘love’ part in regards to Danneel, Jensen reflected. Had he loved her? In some way, he surely had. But not enough, not like he should have loved someone he had spent four years with. Not like he loved Jared. Fuck. Now was not the time to think about that with his loosened tongue. “Thanks, I’m pretty ok. It was time, I guess.”

 

The arm Jared threw over his shoulders then felt nice. Warm and encompassing and he just leaned into it and let it help him brush off the rest.

 

“I love the rain,” Jensen said absently.

 

Jared glanced at him, his chest tightening slightly at the sight of the sheen of moisture covering that gorgeous face, “Yeah, you told me once.” 

 

Jensen cocked his head, glancing at Jared, a small smile on his face. “I did? Don’t remember that.”

 

But Jared remembers.

 

_“I love the rain,” Jensen said, as they stepped out into a drizzly, cool Vancouver night, his steps faltering slightly until Jared’s shoulder collided with his own and his world steadied. He may have giggled._

_Jared smiled, a half smile, part torment and part pure joy. He loved this exact point of drunk on Jensen…when he’d had just enough to be fun and silly, but hadn’t ventured into brooding Jensen mode. He started to ask who the fuck liked rain, because really? He wasn’t getting the appeal. Then he glanced over at his friend._

_Jensen had his head tilted back, a huge joyously happy smile spreading across his face as the rain pelted down on him._

_Suddenly Jared thought maybe he liked rain as well._

_Jensen stuck out his tongue, like a five year old enjoying the first snow of winter, to catch the fresh droplets on his tongue, arms flinging out to his sides._

_Jared decided that maybe yeah, he liked rain, no, maybe he loved rain. Or maybe it was Jensen’s tongue that he loved. Or maybe…._

 

Yeah, Jared remembers. 

 

“I dunno, man. One night, you were totally lit and acting like an idiot. I was making sure you got home safely and not raped by some rabid fangirl, and you were goin on about how you love the rain, blah blah blah…you know how you get when you are drunk.”

 

Jensen nudged Jared’s shoulder softly, “Idiot? You’re just not a nice person, Jay.” He ducked his head as he glanced away. 

 

Nudging him back, then flinging an arm back around Jensen’s shoulders, Jared laughed a little. “Oh Jen, you know I love you, even when you are a drunk idiot.”

 

Jensen flinched at the words, once so easily said and easily taken, now shadowed because of things done and said, things that couldn’t be taken back. He wished he knew the answers, the right thing to do. He wanted Jared with an intensity that burned his gut like acid, never looked at Jared that he didn’t feel the pang, but he was terrified, scared like a tormented child. What if? So fucking many what ifs. What if it wasn’t anything but sex to Jared? What if it ruined his career? Jared’s career? What if it didn’t work out and he lost his best friend along with everything else? 

 

Too many questions and no answers. Jensen just didn’t think he could chance it. And hell, it wasn’t like Jared was pushing for it anyway. That one time…damn but he could get hard just thinking about that one time, and so little had actually even happened, nowhere near all the things he had spent so much time imagining, surely. But just the kissing had been almost enough to chance anything. Damn if just the feeling of Jared’s mouth, his tongue, his lips and the taste of him wasn’t enough to risk all of it. Almost. 

 

If he just knew for sure what Jared wanted. But he couldn’t ask. And he wanted to, wanted to spend every day asking the questions that had built up inside him for these past years. Wanted to hear Jared say he felt something, something even minutely close to what Jensen felt. 

 

Wanted to wake up every morning to Jared’s big dimpled smile, his miles of golden skin, his stupidly off-key singing in the shower. Wanted Jared to look at him with love in his eyes and reassure him that no matter what the rest of the world thought or what happened they would get through it together. Why was that so difficult? Well, possibly because he didn’t even know how to ask for that. ‘Hey Jared, I know you are straight, but what about that time, remember when we fucked around in my trailer? Was that totally life altering for you? Did that make you realize that all you really wanted out of life was me? Did that moment out of time make you gay and ready to swear off women for the rest of your life? No? Oh, yeah, me either.’

 

Jared felt the tension roll through Jensen at his words. Sadly, he was used to meaningless words, like those and any number like them, just rolling off his tongue. He had never really had a good filter on his dialogue; it was like the things in his head just came out, like they had a mind of their own. The only real secret he had ever kept was this, this feeling, this overwhelming love he felt for Jensen. And that was locked up tight, those words were all crammed into their little corner of his mind, his heart, hell he was pretty sure etched on his very soul, but he had locked them up long ago. Now he just allowed himself the small touches, things that could be written off as playing and friend shit, and even those were down to a minimum after the day in the trailer. That day. That beautiful, soul shattering day where, for one minute he saw what he could have, what it could be like to truly have Jensen, belong to him and have him belong in return. 

 

His whole world revolved around his best friend, his Jensen. Those were some of those words, locked in that special place. He had been in love almost since the first day, he had definitely felt something from the first introduction to his beautiful new co-star, and what an epiphany that had been. He had never wanted or considered another man in his life. And yet…the moment Jensen had entered his sphere he had been drawn like a magnet, undeniable as the tide, and it had just grown since then until Jensen was pretty much everything to him. Unfortunately it didn’t seem there would be any way to make it work.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	6. Chapter 6

~~~~~

 

Jensen started to knock on Jared’s half open door, surprised Jared hadn’t answered when he called out that he was home. Just being gone for a couple of days and he was surprised at how much he wanted to get a glimpse at that smile, those dimples, the ever changing eyes that saw too much of him. He paused with his knuckles just an inch from the door when he heard a soft moan from the other side of the door and shifted his stance so he was standing where he could look past the door and his breath caught. Jared was spread out on the bed, all loose limbs and tanned skin, a thousand miles of it, with his hand wrapped around his hard cock. His really huge hard cock. Wow. Fuck.

 

“Jense.” At first, Jensen thought he had been caught, but Jared was lost in his own world. With Jensen’s name on his lips.

 

Before he realized any intention of doing so, he stepped into the room and silently crossed to the side of the bed. Jared started violently when Jensen came into his periphery and his hand jerked away from his cock for a second, eyes wide and uncertain. 

 

“Don’t stop, Jare. Put your hand back on yourself. I want to see you…please…do it again…touch yourself.” Jensen almost felt surprised at the words coming out of his mouth, but then, this sight before him? Impossible to even think straight.

 

Jared hissed, and his hand came back out to wrap around himself. “Yeah, Jen…I need…fuck…”

 

“Tell me, Jared. Tell me what you feel, how your dick feels, what you are thinking about…just tell me. Please.” Jensen’s voice almost sounded like Dean, but it was a voice Jared wasn’t exactly familiar with. His ‘fuck me’ voice, Jared decided, to go with that ‘fuck me’ look on his face. Green eyes half hooded, tongue darting out to moisten those full lips Jared had just been imagining wrapped around his cock.

 

“Feels so good.” Jared moaned softly. “Been thinking about your mouth, your fucking gorgeous cocksucking mouth wrapped around me, Jen. How hot it would be and you begging me to fuck your face, to come down your throat or all over your face. If I come all over your face will you lick it off, Jensen?”

 

Their eyes met again, and Jared could see that Jensen was now as flushed and panting as he was, and his hand was pressed hard against the front of his jeans, hips stuttering. “Fuck, Jared. Yeah, that’s fucking…yeah, I would. Want to taste your come, Jared.”

 

Jared groaned gutturally, hand stroking faster, tighter along his length, watching Jensen’s face and the movement of his own hand against his hard dick. “God, Jense, do you have any idea how beautiful you are? How much I want you all the fucking time, want to fuck you so hard you can’t sit down, can’t stand, can’t even think of anything but how I feel buried inside you? Want you to fuck me, just push me up against something, bend me over and fill me with your cock?”

 

Jensen dropped his head back, eyes closing against the surge of feeling. He wanted, wanted so bad, and he was so turned on, and he loved hearing those words from Jared’s mouth, words that said he was wanted in return. 

 

The growl that came from Jared snapped Jensen’s attention back to his friend. “Look at me, dammit. Want you to watch me come, Jen. Know that it was you I was thinking about even before you walked in, is you all the fucking time.” Jared’s fingers were glistening in the moonlight from the precum sliding down his length. He twisted his fist on the upstroke, his hand flying over himself. He brought his other hand up to roll his balls between his fingers and then press below them. 

 

Jared let out a long deep moan, Jensen’s name torn from his throat as if in a death throw as his hips canted up and he came. Long spurts across his chest and muscled abdomen, coating his fingers and pooling in his belly button. “God yes, Jensen, fuck yes.”

 

Jensen wanted to cry out from frustration or hit Jared or…fuck…yeah, that was it: he wanted to fuck Jared, wanted to lean down and lick the come from his belly, taste the essence that was Jared, he could smell it, he now knew what Jared’s come smelled like and it made him crazy. And he wanted to come, dammit, he needed to fucking come.

 

“Take off your shirt, Jen.” Jared said when he had come down from the first intense moment of orgasmic bliss. He knew Jensen was terrified of this, of course. Hell he had been right there the whole time he fought against it. So he knew Jensen needed to be led through it, needed choices taken away from him. And he also knew that this was going to be a hard sell come tomorrow, so there was very little he could push Jen to do that wouldn’t be too far, too much for him to deal with and recover from at this point. Fuck, but that was hard to remember right now.

 

Almost startled from his internal speculation, Jensen’s eyes flickered from Jared’s abdomen to his face, and his hands immediately went to the hem of his shirt and pulled it off. Jared admired the length of toned, muscled skin bared to his sight, and wished for a moment that the light were brighter so he could see the smattering of freckles he knew was spread there. 

 

Jensen was standing there, hard and leaking and looking like he wasn’t sure what was happening, but his eyes were bleeding out his need and Jared tried to look sure of the situation, confident and relaxed. “Now your jeans, Jensen. Just take them off. Wanna see you, see your dick, hard for me.”

 

Fingers scrabbled to undo his belt and button and zipper before pushing the jeans off his hips and stepping out. No underwear. “Fuck, Jensen. Now I gotta know that you walk around with no fucking underwear on? How often?”

 

Jensen shrugged , “I dunno, just sometimes.” He flushed slightly and Jared wondered if there was more to the story that he wasn’t getting, but all that talk was for another time.

 

Jared licked his lips unconsciously as his eyes dropped to take in the sight of Jensen hard and leaking and flushed. “Come here, Jen.” Jared spread his legs as he wiped his stomach with the corner of the sheet. 

 

Jensen paused and Jared sighed softly, “Just come here, I promise I won’t attack you. Just gonna watch like you did, ok? I just want to see you come apart, fuck your hand and come for me. I want to feel your body shake and break apart when you come thinking about me.”

 

Shuddering almost violently at those words and the images they conjured up, Jensen stepped to the bed and hesitated before sitting where Jared was indicating, between his legs and settled back with his back resting against the long muscled length of his best friend, head against his chest, their legs lined up together on the soft sheets.

 

Jared whispered hot into Jensen’s ear once the other man was settled. “You ever think about me when you jack off, Jen? Do you? Do you ever imagine me fucking you, or riding your cock when you touch yourself?”

 

Jensen’s hand immediately covered his shaft, squeezing hard before starting to stroke, the sound of Jared’s voice all around him, his hot breath seeping into his ear and throat. He stroked softly, wanting in some unconscious part of himself to make it last, this piece of time outside of time. 

 

Jared wanted everything. He had just come but the feel of Jensen’s naked body pressed to his, the smell of Jensen in his head, it was making him hard again already. He wanted to touch, to lick, kiss, smell, taste, fuck every inch of the man sprawled between his thighs, but he had promised and he would keep that promise, for now. Tonight was just this, and he would enjoy every moment for what it was. “Answer me, Jensen. Do you fucking think about me when you touch yourself? Do you?”

 

“Yesss,” the word was a hiss from Jensen’s lips as his fingers ghosted up the underside of his cock, pausing to press against the spot just under the head, then circle the ridge before pressing into the slit and gathering the precum there and spreading it over the head.

 

Jared watched intently, small groans spilling from both of them, as he learned what Jensen liked, committed it to memory to pull out and use when ‘god please’ the opportunity presented itself again. “That’s so good, Jen. You think about me, think about all the ways I want to use you, fucking take you, slow and sweet, and hard and rough. How sometimes even on set I want to just push you up against something, like the fucking Impala and jerk Dean’s pants down and fuck you hard and fast. And other times I think about walking right into your bedroom while you are sleeping and wake you up by dragging my tongue over every inch of your body, then beg you to put that gorgeous cock deep inside me? I don’t think there are ways to fuck you that I haven’t thought about, Jensen.”

 

Jensen keened, he knew he was close, he was fucking crazy with need and want, the feel of Jared, pressed all along him, dick now hard again riding the small of his back, the smell of him, sweat and cologne and come and just Jared. His cheeks flushed hotter as he thought of what he wanted, but tonight was not for holding back in this. He could have this. He could do this part. He brought his free hand up to Jared’s mouth, his head shifting just enough on Jared’s chest to watch as he opened to take Jensen’s fingers inside. 

 

Jensen pressed two fingers into Jared’s mouth and watched that pretty mouth as he sucked, his tongue laving all around them, wetting them. Then Jensen pulled them out and shifted on the bed, bringing his feet up to rest flat just below his ass, eyes never leaving Jared’s. 

 

Jared hissed in a harsh breath as he realized what Jensen was about to do. “God, yes. So beautiful, Jen. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, Jensen. Do you fuck your fingers thinking about me inside you?”

 

“Yes. Fucking ride my fingers thinking about you spreading me open with yours, preparing my ass for your huge cock, Jared. Then I think about being impaled on you, feeling you fucking filling me up.” He moaned out the words as he did just that, pressing both fingers inside himself, knowing he was so close, especially with the effect this was having on Jared. 

 

Jared watched as Jensen’s fingers disappeared inside himself, then his hips moved. He fucking pressed down over and over with his hips, dammit, instead of moving his fingers, he was literally fucking himself on his own hand. Jared rutted just barely against Jensen’s ass, hoping he didn’t earn himself a freak out from Jensen, but unable to stop the small movement. 

 

The hand wrapped around his cock was gripping tightly, stripping his cock in time to the thrust of his hips and Jensen finally lost control, coming hard, spurting over and over again as he arched his entire body off the bed and back hard into Jared. He felt Jared’s come spurt up his back and slide down between his ass cheeks, making his own cock jerk a few extra times, even when he had nothing left to give.

 

Jared lay, sated with Jensen tucked between his legs, getting his breathing under control, unsure about moving and what reaction he would get now that the heat of the moment had passed. His mind was racing, even as his body started to return to normal. Having Jensen between his thighs, pressed against him, the smell of his sweat and cum lingering in the air, was making him feel warmed and melted inside. He wanted nothing so much as to be able to profess his feelings and hear them returned. That was, however, a wish he feared might never be granted. He was afraid Jensen was going to realize what had transpired and freak completely out. Fuck. What if it meant he lost Jensen completely? His heart squeezed painfully.

 

Jensen smiled languidly, the feel of being surrounded by Jared was soothing and comforting and he let it roll through him. He wanted to pull those long arms and legs around himself and disappear from the real world. Jared hadn’t said anything yet, and he worried that once he did the illusion would shatter, perhaps this, like the last time, was something Jared would rather forget and pretend had never happened.

 

Finally unable to bear the suspense any longer, Jensen pushed up and out of Jared’s arms, wondering briefly if he imagined the quick tightening just momentarily before he was released.

 

Jared watched Jensen walk away, enjoying the view of his friend’s beautiful back even as he wanted to pull him back down and never let go.

 

In the bathroom, Jensen drew a few deep breaths and ran water, splashing his flushed face before wetting a towel and wiping himself down. He wasn’t ready to just let this all go. This time he was going to ask for more, demand more, if necessary. He had no one to answer to anymore and he was tired of denying himself the thing he had wanted and maybe needed for so long

 

Dropping the washcloth on Jared’s stomach, Jensen met his eyes briefly before looking away. Jared hadn’t run, that was surely a good sign, right? He hesitated only a moment before throwing a leg over and climbing into bed to lay on the other side of his co-star, who had hastily wiped himself down and tossed the towel away.

 

Turning away slowly, Jensen lay tense until he felt Jared shift to lay down next to him, then reached back and found a hand, pulling his arm over and holding that hand under his own against his chest.

 

Jared sighed deeply and fitted himself up against Jensen. It felt like home and he lay awake, long after his friend had drifted off, soaking in the feeling, hoping morning would not bring a rude awakening.

 

Jensen woke sometime in the night to find himself draped over Jared’s body, one hand on his heart, one leg tucked between two longer ones. Despite the fact that his head told him it should feel wrong, it felt perfect. Jared wasn’t small and curvy and strewn across him. He was large and muscled and hot enough to heat the room, and Jensen decided it felt just exactly right finding himself the smaller, the one draped across. He burrowed his face into Jared’s neck, breathing in the scent he knew so well, but never so close, and let himself enjoy the sensation.

 

Slowly releasing the breath he had been holding since coming to awareness at Jensen’s waking, Jared let the tension ebb from his body. He had been sure that his friend was going to become aware of their position, reality and remembrance setting in, and he would be out of the bed and the room in a split second. But he hadn’t, instead he had taken note of the situation and then if anything, snuggled closer and gone right back to sleep.

 

Never one to question gifts and small miracles, Jared pressed a soft kiss to his head, inhaling deeply and enjoying the feel of warm, tempting flesh pressed all along his length, soft breath against his neck and shoulder, and drifted back into slumber.

 

 

~~~~~~


	7. Chapter 7

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mmpfh?” 

 

Jensen chuckled softly, “Sorry, Jare, even after all this time, I have no idea what that means. Coffee? Don’t worry, I sugared it up til the spoon stood up by itself, so you should be able to drink it. Plus it’s pretty cooled off, for your delicate little mouth.” He smiled almost shyly as Jared’s head appeared above the blankets finally, hair a wild mess, “Sorry, your huge ass mouth.” He corrected.

 

The smile Jensen received was brighter than the sunlight spilling across the floor, doing its best to reach the bed they occupied, fingers almost succeeding in the last few minutes. Jared sat up, eyes never straying from Jensen’s own bed-tousled head and flushed face as he reached for the offered cup. Damn, Jensen was wearing his glasses. Jared was always shocked at how hot he found those glasses on Jensen’s perfect face. “Thanks, Jen. Despite the mouth comments, I appreciate it.” He glanced at the bedside clock. “Since when are you up this early?”

 

Jensen shrugged, eyes on his coffee again. “Just slept heavy I guess. Slept good,” his voice trailed off, “besides, your dogs were flailing all over this morning. Can’t believe it didn’t wake you up, bad daddy that you are.”

 

“Oh man, thanks for letting them out. Guess I kinda forgot their usual last pee before bed.” He sipped his coffee, trying to get a feel for the lay of the land this morning. Jensen seemed unruffled, if a bit reserved. No, not really reserved. Shy maybe? It was endearing as hell, and more welcome because of his previous fears about the outcome of last night and how today could have turned out.

 

Jensen was perched on the edge of the bed as if prepared to make a run for it should things go south or get too deep. Jared didn’t like that plan, so he leaned back against the headboard, rearranging the covers, and then flipped back the other side, “Come on up here, Jen, its kinda cool this morning. Might as well be warm and comfortable.”

 

Not even hesitating as if this was the offer he had been anticipating, Jensen settled himself next to Jared, close enough for their legs to brush under the thick down comforter and thousand count bed sheets. Never let it be said that Jared didn’t know how to outfit a bed. He slept in comfort. But Jensen didn’t fool himself into believing that was the real reason he had slept so well. “You’re kinda a gropy bastard when you sleep, Padalecki.” 

 

Raising an eyebrow in mock aggravation Jared shot back, “Hey, whatever, Ackles, you were all over me like a bad prom date, dude. I could hardly breathe. Thought I was gonna have to push you out on the floor.” His head dropped sideways to look at his friend, loving that things were this light and easy this morning.

 

Jensen nudged his shoulder with his own and grunted. “Whatever. You loved it.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I kinda did.” His voice came out soft and warm, and an answering warmth curled through Jensen’s belly, deep and encompassing.

 

“Me too. I might be able to get used to it. If I tried really hard, of course.” He quipped, but his own voice was husky and just a tiny bit uncertain still.

 

Sometimes Jared wondered what had broken Jensen before he knew him. What had made him question anyone who cared. Jared wanted to know, wanted to break that person in so many ways. Jensen was so good inside, so loyal and caring, but he never believed he deserved or would receive the same in return. Well, Jared would fix that, mend that piece of his friend, his love, that someone else had chipped away, and he would bide his time until he found out who had hurt him this way and make them sorry. He always felt a little twinge in his gut when he saw that sense of uncertainty, that feeling of unworthiness surface in Jensen. Maybe, just maybe he could fix it.

 

“Hmm. I know I could. I aint gonna lie, Jense. I slept like a baby last night. And the one time I did wake up and found a whole lotta you pressed against a whole lotta me, it felt just right. I didn’t want morning to come. I was afraid you were gonna skitter off like a frightened baby deer, and I don’t want that.”

 

Jensen’s face flushed more and he silently cursed his fair skin, “What do you want, Jay?”

 

“Kinda wanna wake up with you next to me, Jen. Wanna know that you aren’t gonna run out on me. That I can kiss you when I wake up and touch you whenever I want. I want you. Been wanting you for a long time now, but I’ve been scared to ruin everything by wanting too much, I guess.” Jared watched Jensen’s face for any telltale signs of what he was feeling, because he knew if something spooked him, Jensen could close up quick and it would be a long road back if he got those walls up before Jared could slip inside with him.

 

Jensen felt his stomach dip and swoop and closed his eyes tight for a moment, letting the feeling in his stomach settle for a moment. Hell, was it even possible for him to get this much? For Jensen Ackles to get everything handed to him like this without a fight? Well, maybe it had been a fight. Certainly he had waited a long patient time for this. Maybe it was time for things to work out just right for him. But the thought of actually having Jared, of Jared wanting him was a lot overwhelming. But his mama hadn’t raised any fools and when he opened his eyes to see his best friend looking back, hope and want and maybe even more shining back at him? He was gonna reach out and take this, hold tight to it and pray for it to be real.

 

So he did. He reached out, took Jared’s coffee cup without saying a word. Laid them both on the bedside table, along with his glasses, and then grasped that beloved face between both his hands and let himself hope. He leaned forward and touched his lips softly to Jared’s, brushed his own back and forth, letting the soft skin of both their mouths slide together lightly. 

 

He heard Jared’s quick intake of breath and his lips parted in tandem. They stayed like that, not moving, just breathing in each other’s air for long moments. 

 

Jared was reminded again of that skittish deer and he waited, tamped down the need to grasp, to pull Jensen in and devour his mouth, taste everything that mouth had to offer before moving to every other body part in turn. He held himself still, letting Jensen lead this dance, just let Jensen take what he needed and wanted for now. As long as he stayed, the rest would come. 

 

After what could have been a minute or an hour, Jensen’s hand slid into Jared’s hair, sliding to cup the back of his head and his lips trailed softly over all that gorgeous skin, skimming over high cheekbones and soft eyelashes, cleft of his chin and hard jawline. Then he pulled Jared down into the bedding and smiled at him before turning and letting himself be drawn back into strong arms, letting himself be little spoon and not minding at all.

 

“So, like…you want us to be like…fuck buddies?” Jensen’s voice didn’t come out as nonchalant as he had intended and he was glad he wasn’t facing Jared. Jensen was used to being wanted for the way he looked, it was easy and comfortable. But he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to handle that with Jared, would be unable to settle. 

 

Jared tensed, he wanted so much more, and from the sound of Jensen’s voice made him wonder if he didn’t as well. He wasn’t willing to let this slip away now that he was so close to getting what he wanted. “No. I want you, Jen. Of course I want you, I couldn’t really lie about that now, could I? But I want you, all of you. I want us to be all we have been but more. I want…everything, I guess.”

 

As much as the idea scared Jensen, he wanted it to happen so much his heart hurt a little. He was afraid to let himself believe that was even possible. But he refused to let his fear ruin this before it even got started. He had waited too long to let his insecurity and uncertainty keep him from getting it as long as Jared was willing to give it. He burrowed closer to the warm, firm body behind him, hugging the hope tight within.

 

“Sleep, Jared. Then, we can make that first wish come true, we can wake up together. Then maybe we will see about a few of the others, ok?” He breathed out the words quietly in the still room. “But, let’s take it slow, ok? Please just give me time.”

 

Jared’s heart was pounding so hard he was afraid it was literally trying to escape his chest to get directly to Jensen as he pulled him in tight, fitting him perfectly into the curve of his own body. He laid his mouth against the curve of Jensen’s neck, and smiled for all he was worth, breathing in his new lover.

 

“K, Jen. Whatever you say.” 

 

Jared lay there, holding Jensen in his arms and soaking in the feeling of contentment and right that flooded his body and mind. Nothing had ever felt so completely perfect in his life. He wanted to stay awake and enjoy the moment, fear that it might be snatched away making him wary, but lethargy stole over him and sleep won out. 

 

Jensen woke with a start, taking a moment to remember where he was and why. Jared was pressed against his back, warmth pervading his skin, surrounding him with the arm thrown over his middle. Jensen shifted slightly and was pulled in tighter to the large form behind him, receiving a grunt in response to his movement. Smiling, he turned his head to see Jared’s face close, relaxed and innocent in sleep.

 

Despite the discomfort of his position, Jensen lay watching Jared for several long minutes, cataloguing the younger man’s face. Not that he hadn’t long ago memorized every inch, but never this close; never had he been afforded this intimate a view. He took in the smooth golden skin and beautiful bone structure. Jared was just about as perfect in Jensen’s eyes as a person could be. 

 

“Stop staring,” Jared mumbled, squeezing Jensen tighter, flattening his hand against his lower abdomen, slipping under Jensen’s tshirt , and smoothing the soft skin there.

 

Jensen started out of his reverie and his eyes flew up to meet Jared’s barely open, sleep filled ones. “Sorry.” Jensen shifted his gaze, letting his head fall back to the pillow, embarrassment causing his face to redden as he ducked away from Jared.

 

Jiggling the man in his arms slightly, Jared said, “Hey, Jen, I was only kidding. You can stare at me all you want. Turn around, so I can appreciate the view, too.”

 

Jensen felt his blush heat up even more and he resisted momentarily. “No, I was just…sorry…”

 

Jared kissed the back of Jensen’s neck and breathed in his sleep sleep warm scent. He pulled Jensen around, manhandling him into turning to face him. Jensen felt a stirring in his cock at this reminder of the size and strength of Jared. He had never been with anyone larger than him and the fact that it was such a turn on was a surprise. He had discovered his interest in men early, no more than fourteen or fifteen years old. Had attempted a relationship right out of high school that had ended quickly and painfully for him, and after he left for Hollywood, he knew it was no longer a possibility if he wanted a career in acting. So a few kisses, awkward groping, a little public humiliation and a few secret tears over being let know he wasn’t enough for someone had left him with no good memories of being with another guy. But this was Jared, and he had never wanted anything or anyone more, not acting, not the multitude of girls he had been with or been seen with over the years, nothing.

 

Once they were face to face, Jared tucked a finger under Jensen’s chin and tilted his head back to meet his eyes. “Hey, I was only kidding, Jense, really. I think it’s awesome you want to look at me, and trust me, I want to look at you. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to not look at you, and that’s gotten old. Now that I’m allowed, I want to.”

 

Jensen’s lips tilted up in a small smile and his eyes flitted away quickly. Jared found it absolutely captivating that Jensen could be the least humble or unaware of his effect on everyone around him, so oblivious to his own allure. Surely in the abstract he had to know he was attractive, but he didn’t get the reality behind his own worth as a person and someone others would want to be with, to know and be thrilled to call their own.

 

“You’re beautiful, Jen. You know that, of course. Not like you haven’t heard it your whole life. But, it’s more than that, you’re gorgeous on the inside and when I look at you I see that as well as the perfect face. Ya know? I could stare at you for hours…have, actually. I can’t believe you haven’t caught me, considering. But I can look at you and see something new every time, because you are such an awesome person and so much more than the pretty face.” It was Jared’s turn to flush and he huffed out a small laugh, “Damn, I sound like a girl, huh? How fucking sappy was all that?”

 

Brushing his knuckles along the blushing check in front of him, Jensen tried to steady his breath. No one had ever wanted Jensen for more than his face or his fame or some elusive, surface, fleeting thing. It felt good. So very good, and he understood, because no matter how hot Jared was, that wasn’t what had made him fall in love. “It wasn’t stupid or sappy, Jared. It was…really nice. And I get it, I do…cuz looking at you, well…let’s just say I’ve done enough of my own looking to know what you mean, and you have no idea how gorgeous you are, man. You take my breath away sometimes, J. You just light up the room, you make everyone happier just by being around, and that shows. You practically glow with it, and it’s hard not to stare.”

 

Leaning in, Jensen slid his fingers to the nape of Jared’s neck, tangling in the silky hair there before pulling Jared’s lips into a soft, exploring kiss. Groaning softly, Jensen quickly deepened the connection, tongue sliding along the seam to request entry into the warm cavern inside. 

 

Immediately opening for Jensen and any exploration he cared to do, Jared’s fingers dug into the soft skin of Jensen’s waist before slipping under his shirt to his back, pulling him closer, their bodies almost flush against one another. He could feel the hard line of Jensen’s arousal pressed close to his own, and combined with the intense feeling of the kiss they were sharing drew a long sighing moan from his lips, which Jensen drank in.

 

They lay there for hours, kissing and running hands over soft skin of hard muscled backs and silken hair, neither moving to take things further. Content to just explore each other’s mouths and relish the closeness they had both silently, secretly waited for and wanted for so long.

 

tbc

 

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	8. Chapter 8

  
Author's notes: wooohooo guys, long double chapter (listed as 8 & 9)!! hope you enjoy! =}  


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Work was easy, comfortable. Work they had done through all the incarnations of their relationship, and they were both professional enough to keep things well separated. Their chemistry was on, for sure, and it made everything flow well during shooting. If they both snuck more sidelong looks and shared a few secret smiles, no one seemed to notice, and certainly no one commented.

 

During the following week things seemed more like they had been prior to anything happening between them except for their level of awareness of one another. They worked long hours and came home only to fall asleep within moments of finishing eating and sitting down in front of the television. No time or energy for anything more than leaning against each other and sharing warmth on the couch, and a few times a couple of lazy kisses, before waking during the night and heading to their own beds.

 

Jensen watched Jared as they tiredly climbed into the car yet again after what was finally a blessedly short day of filming. He had been on edge all day, not sure what brought it on, but unable to keep his eyes off Jared for more than a few minutes at a time. He had been thinking all day about all the things he wanted, maybe needed to explore with Jared. He found himself thinking about all the differences in what he desired in this relationship than all previous ones because he had never really had a relationship with another man. 

 

“I want to suck you.” Jensen wasn’t sure who was more shocked when they walked into their house and Jared had just closed the door when the words escaped his mouth.

 

Jared’s breath hitched hard in his chest as his eyes flicked immediately to Jensen’s mouth. Holy fuck. He didn’t think he had ever gone hard so fast in his life. And he wasn’t sure if he watched that sinfully full lipped mouth because of the suggestion or to capture the sight of the words that had just come from it. His knees felt weak for a moment and he was stunned at the realization that that happening was a possibility.

 

Jensen saw the flare of intense lust in Jared’s eyes as he stared at his mouth. Despite his surprise that he had just said those words, he seemed unable to control the next ones any better. “I want to taste you, J. I want to know how your cock feels in my mouth. I fucking need it.”

 

“God, yes…” Jared breathed out on a moan. “Please.”

 

Before he realized what he was doing, Jensen found himself kneeling in front of Jared, his fingers frantically tearing at the button and zipper of his jeans. Yanking the jeans down and letting them drop to the floor, Jensen ran his fingers along the edge of the waistband of Jared’s boxers before quickly sliding them out and down over the hard line of Jared’s arousal, releasing his cock to Jensen’s avid gaze. 

 

He drew in a deep breath, eyes flickering up to meet those above him, as if asking silent permission before going any further.

 

“Please, Jen…your mouth…I want…” Jared sounded incoherent, but it was all the approval Jensen needed and he reached out, hand curling around the base of the hard cock in front of him.

 

Jensen took the head of Jared’s dick into his mouth, and Jared jerked slightly, hips thrusting forward with the intense feeling of heat and wet and warmth. A spurt of precum flooded Jensen’s mouth with Jared’s taste and he almost moaned at the flavor and knowledge of what he was doing. He sucked hard, drawing more of Jared’s length into his mouth, slicking his tongue around and laving everything he could reach before sliding back to lick under the sensitive area under the head. 

 

He immediately drew as much of the hardness back in as he could, sucking and licking as he went. Every burst of flavor urged him further on. He was light headed with the knowledge that he had Jared’s cock in his mouth and Jared was beginning to shake with his arousal.

 

Jared was no stranger to blowjobs. Well, he had received his fair share, he had never given any, yet. But he was close to being unable to stand any longer as he looked down at Jensen sucking him. The sight of that gorgeous mouth wrapped around him, the intensity of the feeling, and the realization of who was giving him such pleasure was starting to overwhelm him. He knew he wasn’t going to last much longer, especially if Jensen continued to suck him as if he was the best thing he had ever had in his mouth. What had started as an amazing blowjob was quickly becoming one of the most incredible experiences of his life, and if it got any better he was afraid he might pass out.

 

Jared finally looked away, hoping to gain some control by not looking at the sight below him. But Jensen recognized the moment and pulled off with a wet sound. “No, look at me, J. Wanna see your face, know that you know it’s me. I wanna see what I’m doing to you, how I’m making you feel.”

 

Their eyes met again, and Jared drew in a deep breath, “God, Jen. What you are _doing_ is killing me. So fucking good. I’m not gonna last, k? I’m sorry….”

 

Jensen smiled brightly, “No sorry. Let go, I wanna taste you, all of you. Don’t hold back…” He drew Jared back into his mouth in one long pull, savoring the feel of the hard heat on his tongue. He had never imagined the feeling of power that would come from making a man like Jared come apart and feel so much and he was gorging on it, enthralled with it.

 

Less than a minute later, Jared cupped the back of his head, fingers tangling in his hair and pulling slightly, “I’m gonna…stop Jensen…I…”

 

Jensen sucked hard, recognizing that Jared was letting him know how close he was to losing it. He pushed forward, taking Jared deeper, feeling the head of his cock brushing against the back of his throat. He forced his throat to relax, wanting to make this as intense for Jared as possible, wanting to give him as much pleasure as he was able.

 

Jared gasped and keened Jensen’s name as he felt the squeeze of Jensen’s throat close around the head of his cock and his body jerked hard. He came, body tensing and muscles clenching as if his orgasm was wrung from the depths of his soul. And then he practically collapsed into a heap in front of Jensen’s kneeling form, head dropping onto Jensen’s shoulder and lungs heaving.

 

Jensen wrapped his arms hesitantly around his best friend? lover? and felt uncertainty creep in. He had been almost as out of control as if he were the one being sucked. He was so hard it hurt and he was a little afraid of how Jared was going to look at him now or what he should do.

 

After a few shuddering breaths, Jared raised his head enough to look at Jensen, eyes wide. 

 

“Ok?” Jensen’s voice was barely a whisper as he sought reassurance.

 

“Ok?!” Jared laughed quietly, “No, Jen. That was not ok. I am not ok. That was…fuck, that was the best. I’ve never…that was incredible. You were incredible.”

 

Releasing a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, Jensen sagged against Jared a little. “Good.”

 

Leaning in and capturing Jensen’s lips, Jared kissed him deep and languidly. The taste of himself in Jensen’s mouth caused a twitch in his cock and he was surprised at how hot he found the idea. Once his brain began to kick in somewhat, Jared nudged Jensen slightly, pulling him up as he stood. “Bedroom.” He could see how hard Jensen was, and he wanted to experience things from the other side now. “My turn. I want to make you come apart. I want to see you lose it for me, Jensen. Will you give me that? Give me you?”

 

Jensen’s eyes dropped closed and he shuddered, “Yeah, J. Anything you want.” He reached down to press on his aching erection, only to have his hand slapped away before he could touch himself.

 

“No.” Jared’s voice came out harsh, “That’s mine…k? Mine.”

 

Between the command and the feel of Jared manhandling him again, turning him toward the stairs and pushing him ahead to hurry him along, Jensen felt his cock twitch and a burst of precum wet his already damp briefs. Fuck, if Jared kept that up he was going to cum right now. He was already close just from sucking Jared, from the feeling of Jared losing it for him. He didn’t need any more encouraging to rush into the bedroom.

 

Jared dropped to his knees the moment they made it to the side of the bed, pulling open Jensen’s jeans and dragging the denim open and down his thighs. He leaned in and laid his face along the hard ridge outlined by the black briefs, breathing deeply of Jensen’s scent. He smelled like cologne and fabric softener and Jensen and a musky scent Jared knew was his arousal. 

 

Jensen trembled as he watched Jared draw in his scent deeply before turning to mouth along the length of his aching cock. Jared ran his lips along the hard ridge, moving slowly upward, pausing to dig in with lip-covered teeth, drawing gasps from Jensen. When he reached the head he looked for a moment, relishing the wet fabric, loving the knowledge that he had caused this, for no other reason than Jensen wanting him. He leaned forward and licked, digging his tongue into the wet; tasting before wrapping his lips around the head and drawing fabric and flesh into his mouth, sucking hard.

 

Jerking hard, Jensen hissed out a long breath. “Jare? Not gonna get far if you don’t stop…I can’t…”

 

“Off.” Jared demanded, standing up. “All of it. Want you naked for me. Now.”

 

Jensen kicked off his shoes, bent to pull off his socks and whipped his shirt off over his head then fumbled with his jeans, “You too. You need to get naked too. Want to see all of you, Jared.”

 

They both scrambled onto the bed with little finesse and a lot of impatience. Jensen quickly found himself trapped under Jared’s long lean body and the soft skin, hard muscles and weight brought another bubble of precum to the head of his cock. Jared saw the shiver and his eyes went to Jensen’s wet head and he drew in a quick breath.

 

“Beautiful, Jensen. Every inch of you. And you fucking want me, don’t you? Want _me_.” Jared sounded a little awed by the whole situation. 

 

“Yeah. Yes. I want you, so bad…please J. It hurts I’m so fucking hard.”

 

Jared kissed Jensen then, tongue diving in to sweep through the mouth that still tasted of him, and then pulled back to draw that plump lower lip into his mouth and suck. He looked down the length of Jensen’s body. “God, sucking me off made you this hard, huh? That’s so fucking hot. I want to explore every inch of you, lick you, feel you, suck you…but right now, I just need to taste your cock too bad to wait, k? Later. Everything…later.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen sounded like he would agree to just about anything at that point and Jared smiled at him as he lowered himself to lay between those slightly bowed legs he had developed such a fascination with recently. He admired the sight of Jensen’s cock, wet and swollen, hard and needy before he dropped his head and licked a long stripe from base to head. Listening to the soft pants coming from Jensen, he dipped his tongue into the slit before drawing the impressive length into his mouth and sucking. The taste was intoxicating and he pushed for more. Drawing hard on Jensen’s cock, he felt the tremors wracking his body and knew it wasn’t going to be long before Jensen lost control. He found himself desperate for that to happen so he redoubled his efforts, sucking and licking, tongue finding the sensitive underside of the head and flicking into the slit to draw out the essence. 

 

Jensen’s hands were clenching and unclenching on Jared’s muscled shoulders as he tried to keep himself from coming so quickly, but he was losing that battle and he shoved slightly at Jared in warning. “I’m gonna come, Jare. I..fuck…I can’t…”

 

Remembering the intensity of his own reaction, Jared took Jensen as deep into his throat as he could, feeling himself gag momentarily before forcing forward. Jensen cried out and lost it completely, hands slapping down hard onto the bed as his hips thrust upward and he came so hard his vision whited out at the edges. “God, Jared, fuck fuck fuck….” He twitched hard as the sensations became almost painful before Jared released his cock. Placing a kiss on the head before dropping to lay alongside Jensen’s legs and looking up at him, Jared rested his cheek on the lean hip. 

 

Jensen tried to get his breathing under control as he glanced down at the man tracing soft patterns on his hipbone and watching him with smiling eyes. “Wow.” He grinned.

 

“Yeah.”

 

They lay there lost in their own thoughts and recovering for several long minutes. 

 

 

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	9. Chapter 9

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Jared tapped on Jensen’s belly lightly, “I hope you aren’t too tired, old man. Cuz I’m a long way from finished with you tonight.” He teased as he shifted up to lie along Jensen’s length. He brushed fingers through Jensen’s damp hair, breathing in the scent of him, intensified because of the sheen of sweat covering his upper body.

 

 

“I’ve got your ‘old’, you fucker.” Jensen nudged Jared off his shoulder with a jerk, his grin breaking through his fake frown.

 

“Seriously though, Jen. So many things I wanna do to you…with you.” His voice turned serious, deepening as he turned his face and placed a kiss and lick to Jensen’s neck. “Tired of waiting, wanting for so long.”

 

Stretching his neck to give Jared access to any skin he wanted to lavish attention on, Jensen agreed quietly, voice raspy with emotion, “Yeah, wanted you for a long time, J.”

 

“How long?” Jared shifted so he could see Jensen’s face, body half covering the smaller man as he looked down on him.

 

What was there to lose now? Not like he could go back. Jensen brushed back silky hair from Jared’s forehead and admitted, “I dunno. A long time. Probably since we first met in some ways, but I guess I really knew about a year ago. Something like that?”

 

“We’re idiots. You know? I mean, I know how you feel, cuz I definitely felt something from the beginning, but I didn’t acknowledge it, or admit it, or maybe even realize, I guess, for a long time. But I know I’ve been thinking about it for at least the last two seasons. Just terrified you would hate me. Push me away and be disgusted. Didn’t want to ruin our friendship, cuz no matter what I can’t live without that, k?”

 

“K.” Jensen readily agreed. “Always. No matter what we will be friends.” 

 

Jared felt a tug in his stomach at those words, afraid Jensen would use this out and pull away. Because he wanted never to lose Jensen’s friendship, definitely. But he wanted it all, now. Wanted all this he was just discovering and hoped it meant as much to Jensen as he was coming to realize it meant to him. “But.” He said softly.

 

Jensen looked at him, watching the emotions flit across his face, “But what?”

 

“That’s…I mean, that’s not all I want. I want to try this, Jensen. Try us, I mean.” He watched intently for a reaction.

 

Smiling up at Jared, Jensen felt a flutter in his stomach and pulled Jared’s head down for a kiss. “No way you are escaping now, J. This? This is happening.”

 

Jared growled softly into Jensen’s mouth, then broke the kiss and wrapped Jensen up tightly, arms and legs surrounding and squeezing tightly. “Oh Jen. You are in so much trouble.” 

 

Feeling small and slight inside the cocoon of Jared, Jensen heard the words and wondered at the meaning. “Trouble?” He breathed out, unable to draw a deep enough breath to create louder sound.

 

“Yeah. You are probably gonna get so sick of me. I dunno if you realize, but I can be pretty intense, demanding, needy, possessive? It’s a lot to take, but I’ll make it worth your while. I promise.”

 

Jensen thought that sounded pretty damn good and he nodded. “I kinda know you, J. I’m pretty intense myself, maybe even a little possessive. We might kill each other but I doubt it will ever be boring.”

 

Jared pulled back enough to look at Jensen again, and he almost gasped. How could he be surprised by his beauty even after all this time? Well, before it hadn’t been his, no matter how he wanted, but now? Now he could reach out and touch, hold, savor, and he was going to. He felt his cock begin to harden and shifted his hips, rubbing against the soft skin below him and felt that Jensen was already ready to go, hot and hard against his thigh. “Shit Jensen, you make me crazy. So fucking beautiful, so fucking hot.”

 

“You kidding? Cuz I’m looking at you right now? And you are about the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” Jensen ran his fingers up Jared’s sides, cataloguing muscles and ribs before sliding around shoulders to explore down the back he had admired so many times. His fingers spread and covered the soft round globes of Jared’s ass and they both hitched a breath. 

 

Their mouths clashed together in an intense kiss, tongues searching frantically. Jensen drew Jared’s tongue into his mouth and sucked on it, savoring the flavor of Jared, so intoxicating and delicious. They kissed and explored each other’s mouths until their lips started to hurt and Jensen drew his mouth down the side of Jared’s jaw, slipping down to his neck and licking and sucking the warm scented skin there. Jared moaned and lifted himself up onto his arms, looking down at his new lover with lust dark eyes. “Want you, Jen. Want you…want to fuck you.”

 

Jensen’s eyes flared at the words and he nodded, fingers clenching in the skin beneath his hands. “Yeah.”

 

A flash of uncertainty entered Jared’s face, and he questioned, “Have you ever? I mean…you know…with a guy?”

 

“No, J. Never. None of this, nothing. Just you. ”

 

Jared felt a swell of happiness bubble up in him and he was overtaken for a moment, so many emotions warring for superiority. “Well, have you thought about…you know…how? I mean…do you know what you want to…”

 

“I…both? I want you. However you want, J. Anything you want.” 

 

Hips hitching at those words, Jared shook his head as if to clear it. “Ok, yeah. That’s…yeah. Me too. But right now? Unless you stop me, I’m gonna fuck you, Jen. Wanna be inside you, feel you all around me.” And Jared looked for a moment like he isn’t sure that will be ok, until he saw the lust flare hot and liquid in Jensen’s clear green eyes, felt the spurt of precum smear on his hip.

 

“Fuck yes, J. Fuck me.” And Jensen leaned toward the edge of the bed and pulled lube out of the drawer, fingers searching for a condom. He breathed out a sigh when his fingers closed around a foil packet.

 

Taking the tube and tossing the condom onto the bed, Jared again looked at Jensen with eyes slightly lost. “I’ve never, either, Jen. I don’t wanna hurt you, and I mean, I’m not stupid, I get how it should work. But, just…I guess tell me…if anything is wrong or hurts or whatever? Ok?”

 

“We’ll figure it out. I’ll be fine. Just go slow…and I know you won’t hurt me. You…wouldn’t.” Jensen reassured him, hands sliding up and down the beautiful muscled arms in front of him. 

 

Jared leaned in for a kiss and almost forgot his ultimate purpose when he lost himself in the feel and taste of Jensen’s mouth once again. “Shit, I could kiss you all day…all night, whatever.”

 

“Mmmm, yeah. Me too, Jay, but right now…I really want to feel you inside me, k?” He smiled, “Oh, and real soon I wanna return the favor. Like real soon.”

 

Nodding at the thought and yet slightly distracted at the thought of what was about to happen, Jared sat back on his feet, looking down at the expanse of flesh laid out for him. Jensen had at least a few freckles pretty much everywhere and he made a mental note to kiss and map each and every one sometime very soon. So many things to do. And he wanted them all. 

 

Slicking his fingers, Jared nudged Jensen’s legs with his knees, “Raise up your legs for me?”

 

Jensen blushed at the idea of being so open, but his throbbing cock was on board completely with the program. Jared’s eyes flashed when he saw the crease, Jensen’s tight hole exposed to his gaze. He slid his finger down along the soft skin behind Jensen’s balls to touch that most intimate spot. He circled lightly, spreading the lube and feeling the skin, flicking his eyes up to watch Jensen’s face as he applied the slightest pressure with his slick finger. 

 

Jensen’s mouth opened just slightly and he hitched a breath. He had no idea just being touched there would make him feel so needy. He lay silent, striving for patience when all he wanted was to get right to what he had been imagining. Despite his fear of how exactly Jared’s huge cock was going to fit inside him, he knew it was possible and wanted it to happen, and now.

 

Pushing steadily but slowly, Jared felt the muscle give enough for him to enter up to his second knuckle. Jensen tensed a bit and Jared pulled back slightly. The little groan sounded like encouragement, so he pushed back in slowly and was rewarded with a hesitant nod from Jensen. “It feels weird, but it’s fine. I’m fine. Go ahead.”

 

Jared began slowing pumping his finger in and out until Jensen was panting slightly and his hips were twitching with each push. He knew what he was looking for, but not certain where to find it. Crooking his finger and twisting slightly, Jared knew immediately when he hit Jensen’s prostate because of the small keening sound and the bubble of precum Jensen’s cock released. He rubbed lightly, eyes moving from the incredibly hot sight of his finger disappearing inside Jensen to watch his face.

 

“Fuck, fuck. That’s….wow. More.” Jensen huffed out, voice sounding husky and needy.

 

Jared pulled his finger back and inserted another slowly, this one sliding in easier as he stimulated Jensen’s prostate. He again searched out that spot, finding it quickly this time and pulsing against it lightly, then twisting his fingers and spreading them. His cock twitched as he thought of how tight and hot it was inside Jensen and how incredible it was going to feel. He wasn’t sure how long it was going to last once he got started. He couldn’t wait to feel that tightness around him, though so he brought his mind back to the task at hand. 

 

“I think…fuck…I think I’m ready Jay. Just do it. Come on. Fuck me. Please.” 

 

Jared gripped the base of his own cock at the words, staving off what he was afraid would be the end of their attempt to finally have sex. “Fuck, Jen. You’re gonna kill me. I’m not gonna last anyway, but we aren’t even gonna get started if you keep talking like that.”

 

He was so hard again, despite having come less than an hour ago, he was thrumming with it. He bit his lip and watched as Jared tore open the condom, hastily slid it on and slicked up his cock with what looked like half the tube of lube. He felt himself clench up a little as he thought about how big that cock was and how much it might hurt to get it inside him, but he forced himself to relax. Jared would never hurt him, as evidenced by the amount of lube coating his dick at the moment.

 

Jensen felt the head of Jared’s cock at his entrance and lifted his ass to meet him, encouraging Jared to sink inside. He could feel Jared’s body trembling as he pushed forward and breached him. It burned and Jensen had to fight not to tell him to stop, knowing that it would get better once he got past the initial pain. Jared was torn between watching his cock slip inside Jensen’s ass and watching Jensen’s gorgeous face for signs that he was alright. 

 

Jensen lifted one leg and then the other, wrapping them around Jared’s hips. Jared stuttered slightly, and pushed until the head of his cock was inside, then clenched his teeth hard. He was afraid to push any further until he knew Jensen was ok, and until he was sure he wasn’t going to come right away from the feeling of the tightest pressure he had ever felt squeezing his dick. 

 

Grimacing at the pain, Jensen lay still for a moment. Jared looked like he was going to pull out, fear for Jensen washing across his face. When Jensen saw it, he took a deep breath and pulled Jared in with his heels, embedding his cock deep within his ass.

 

“Oh God.” Jared threw his head back and groaned deep within his chest. “Fuck, Jensen, fuck…you feel so damn good. I…so hot , so fucking tight…never felt anything…”

 

Jensen worked to stay relaxed, it had hurt, did hurt, but it was already starting to recede. He was beginning to enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure, along with the knowledge that Jared was inside of him and how good it obviously felt for him. He squeezed Jared’s hips with his thighs and slid his hand up into Jared’s wet hair. “Move, Jay. Come on…fuck me. Let me feel you. Show me how good it can be.”

 

Jared looked down at the man under him and tensed, holding back as hard as possible to keep from coming. “Jensen.” He closed his eyes for a long moment and then slid out about halfway before slowly sinking back into the tight passage. 

 

It felt…strange. Not exactly good, but not bad. Jensen focused on the feel of Jared’s length sliding in and out slowly, and just when he started to feel like it was never going to be a big deal, maybe he was only going to really like topping, Jared shifted and leaned back, hands moving down to Jensen’s hips. Jensen jerked as Jared picked up his pace and started hitting his prostate, his body clenching hard. 

 

The clench of Jensen’s muscles becoming even tighter sent a hard spark through Jared and he pounded into him, hitting that spot over and over, hand coming to jerk Jensen’s weeping cock in time with his thrusts. Less than a minute passed before Jared keened Jensen’s name and came, whole body twitching and jerking out of control as he filled the condom.

 

Jensen followed sometime in the middle of Jared’s orgasm, thick spurts of cream lining his own and Jared’s belly. The combined feeling of Jared hitting his prostate and jerking his cock creating so much sensation he was sure for a moment he would pass out.

 

Almost dropping down onto Jensen in the boneless aftermath of such an intense orgasm, Jared caught himself just in time and flopped next to the sweaty body beneath him. 

 

They lay for a long time, panting, limbs entwined and sweat slicked, both a little amazed at what had just happened and how incredible it had been. 

 

Getting a second wind, Jared practically bounced on the bed as he lifted himself into a crouch over Jensen’s prostrate form. “That? That was unbelievable!” His brow furrowed and he ran a finger down Jensen’s cheek, “Was it…you know? Did it hurt? Fuck, please say I didn’t hurt you, Jen.”

 

Jensen smiled, enjoying the enthusiasm and concern all wrapped up in Jared’s voice. “It was unreal, Jay. Really. I was scared there for a bit, cuz I wasn’t sure it was gonna really do it for me, thought you were gonna have to be the one taking it from now on. But then…yeah…it was fucking awesome.”

 

“Really?” Jared sounded like his usual inquisitive self. He was intrigued now, wanting to know how it would be to switch it up. “Hmmm. When do you think you will be ready to do it again so I can see how it feels to have your huge dick inside me? “

 

Jensen laughed, not sure if he was getting turned on or just amused by Jared’s enthusiasm. But before he could answer, Jared was talking again.

 

“But you are willing to do that again, too right? Cuz dude, seriously? That felt like nothing you have ever felt before. It was amazing, you were so hot inside and I’ve never felt anything so tight, ever. And let’s get tested so we don’t have to have anything between us, yeah? I want to feel all of you.”

 

When Jensen was quiet for several long moments, Jared peered at him closely. “What’s wrong? You said it was good. You don’t wanna do it again? What?”

 

“Just waiting for when you let me talk, dude.” Jensen teased, wanting to pull Jared down and wrap him up. He loved excited, enthusiastic Jared. It was one of his favorite incarnations of Jared, actually.

 

Jared wrapped his arm around Jensen again, squeezing tight. “Sorry. Ok, I’m listening. Go.”

 

“Now I don’t even remember the question. But yeah, it was great. Yes I want to do it again, and yes I want to fuck you, too. And I think testing is a great idea, then the first time I top maybe we don’t have you use a condom, that sounds perfect.” Jensen paused, burying his nose in the top of Jared’s head and breathing him in. “Does that cover all the questions?”

 

Jared smiled against Jensen’s chest, reveling in the fact that Jensen was in his arms, in his bed, and was smelling Jared like he was something delicious. “Well, no. I think the original question was about when you might be up for the next round.”

 

“Mmmm…give me five minutes.” Jensen said.

 

Jared was asleep in three.

 

~~~~~~~


	10. Chapter 10

~~~~~~~

 

Waking up next to Jensen was quickly becoming one of Jared’s favorite things. He lay watching Jensen sleep, torn between wanting to kiss him awake and not wanting to wake him at all. In sleep, Jensen was beautiful and peaceful and Jared just wanted to wrap him up and keep him all to himself, always. When he tired of lying there finally, Jared trailed a finger over Jensen’s thick eyelashes and down the bridge of his nose. Jensen twitched in his sleep and brushed at the offending digit, nose wrinkling. He flipped away and buried his face in his pillow.

 

Jared flopped onto Jensen’s back, tucking his face into the curve of Jensen’s neck and shoulder and kissing him. “Come on, sleeping beauty. I’m gonna take the dogs out and then take a shower. Clif will be here in less than an hour, and we both know it’s gonna take you forever to get pretty enough to go.”

 

Jensen grumbled something unintelligible into his pillow.

 

“What’s that Jen?”

 

“Fuck you, Padalecki, you know I wake up perfect.” Jensen smiled softly, turning his head to find Jared’s lips.

 

“Yeah, you kinda do.” Jared murmured softly, brushing Jensen’s lips repeatedly with his own.

 

Jensen struggled to turn over beneath the weight on his back. Jared shifted and let Jensen settle turn under him. “Hey.” Jensen smiled up at Jared, lifting a hand to smooth back the hair that was sticking in all directions from sleep before deciding against it and stroking his fingers along the length of neck and tanned muscled shoulder he so often admired. His smile turned lazy and soft as he took in the disheveled, beautiful sight hovering over him. 

 

“No time now, Jensen. But dammit I wanna just stay here in bed and taste every inch of you.” He nuzzled the soft skin of Jensen’s neck.

 

“Later, yeah?” Jensen sighed.

 

“Promise?” 

 

“Yeah, promise, Jay. Now go walk your babies before they go on the floor.”

 

Jared huffed against Jensen’s shoulder and reluctantly untangled himself from Jensen’s sleep warm skin. He turned back at the door to see Jensen still sprawled where he left him, and wanted nothing more than to climb back in bed with him and not leave for days.

 

Clif watched them when they climbed back into the car that night, both dragging but almost leaning on each other. Something was up, they were practically vibrating with it and they moved as if connected somehow. Well, more so than usual. Not that it mattered to him, he loved them like brothers and knew they were as close as two people could be without being married or family, and he could see that they would be good for each other. And he would never breathe a word of anything he knew anyway. He just watched them and watched out for them, like he always did, and left the rest to them.

 

“So tired, Jay. Please tell me it’s Friday night. Please?” Jensen’s words almost slurred together like he was drunk as they entered the house.

 

“Close, baby. It’s Thursday. Just one more day and then the weekend. You can do it.” He steered Jensen’s unresisting form toward his bedroom.

 

“Mmm, you smell good.” Jensen mumbled as he leaned in and inhaled Jared’s scent. “But I hope you aren’t expecting anything tonight. I mean, unless you don’t mind if I sleep through it.”

 

Jared giggled and then huffed as if offended. “Gross, Jen. I kinda like my partners coherent and participating thanks. But this weekend? You better be rested up.”

 

“Hey! Wait…did you call me baby?” Jensen squinted up at Jared as he dropped down onto the bed without removing any of his clothing except his jacket and the shoes he had stepped out of at the door.

 

“Uhhh, yeah? It just came out. Sorry?”

 

“No. It’s…I like it.” Jensen pulled at Jared’s arm until he dropped onto the bed next to Jensen.

 

“Good, cuz I’ve been saying it in my head for a while and I was afraid it was gonna slip out.” He nuzzled into Jensen’s neck, kissing behind his ear and breathing in his scent. “Baby.” He almost whispered. 

 

Jensen shivered and palmed the back of Jared’s head, loving the feel of that softness sliding between his fingers and the warmth of his scalp as he massaged gently. “Jeans. Goal. Get our jeans off and sleep. That’s all I have in me tonight.”

 

“Mmmm, k.” Jared snuggled closer, pulling Jensen in and laying his head on his chest. Listening to the thump of Jensen’s heart, Jared felt emotion swell inside him until he was sure he would burst with it. 

 

They woke the next morning with no knowledge of who had removed whose jeans or when, but still wrapped in each other tightly, also unable to let go.

 

The filming was still going so well, an already strong chemistry taken to a whole new level because of their developing relationship. Jensen watched Jared from his chair. The younger actor had come so far since the pilot. What had been a strong foundation had blossomed and Sam was a deep character with a life of his own due to Jared’s perseverance and talent. 

 

Jared was so sexy. Jensen felt a deep physical tug to him. No matter what Jared was doing at any given moment, Jensen wanted nothing so much as to move into his space, touch him, be touched by him. He knew it was a gift, Jared drew everyone to him. On set, at conventions, network parties; people just gravitated to Jared, wanted to be in his sphere. Jensen had felt it in some form since the first moment they had met. But now, knowing the way Jared felt, smelled, kissed, touched him. He was more drawn than ever, it became more than want, moved into need. The need to be wrapped in those arms that made him feel wanted and desired and safe and…loved? Was that it? They had definitely not said it. Hell had it only been a few months since they really started all this? Jensen had been in enough relationships to know how early that was to feel so comfortable, settled…certain. He knew he loved Jared. It wasn’t something he even had to question anymore. He had felt this way for so long it was just a part of him, something he accepted like his eye color or his height. It wasn’t something he could change, nor did he want to. Even when he had believed Jared would never share his feelings he had been comfortable with them. Jared was his best friend, and had wormed his way into his heart long ago.

 

Jared glanced over from where he stood on his mark on the set. He flashed a quick grin at Jensen, sharing so many sentiments with that look that Jensen felt his stomach swoop with desire and love. Running his hand along the back of his neck, Jensen flicked his glance away before someone could see the feelings shining from him. He couldn’t wait to get Jared home. Wondered if the gods would smile on him enough to see them out of this set before they were both falling down from exhaustion again. He wanted to touch Jared. To hold him and smell him and kiss him. Wanted to explore those miles of tanned gorgeous skin, map it all out, claim it. Show Jared that he belonged to Jensen, and that he intended to make sure he never wanted to let that go.

 

Jensen felt a spasm of fear clench his belly. Jared was so beautiful, so desirable, what were the odds he would want Jensen any longer than anyone else ever did? Fuck. He was terrified suddenly, unable to control the worry. He needed to get Jared home, soak up all the moments he could have, and try his damnedest to make sure he knew how much he was wanted and make him want to stay. He could do it, he could be who he needed to be this time to keep Jared. He had to, because he wasn’t sure how to walk away in one piece this time.

 

**_ >>nail it. get it done so i can get you alone. i want you, j. im hard thinking about you._ **

 

Jensen watched as Jared pulled the cell out of his pocket and the gasp of breath he drew when he read the text. He held his breath as he watched Jared compose a quick text in return.

 

**_ >>Fuck yeah, jen. want u to fuck me. Cant think abt anything but how ur cock will feel inside me._ **

 

Jensen looked up to find Jared watching him intently and felt heat thread through his body, cock hardening. He ran his eyes down Jared’s body to let him know what he was thinking and paused at the younger man’s groin, able to just make out the fact that he too was aroused. This day needed to be over, and soon. Jensen was more than anxious to show Jared what being fucked could feel like, how incredible it could be. Despite their constant need for each other, these last few weeks of their relationship had left little time for more than a few kisses and the occasional hand job in between sleep and a grueling work schedule. They had received their test results and it just made Jensen more desperate to get Jared naked and alone, whether he was buried inside him or vice versa, he was tired of waiting.

 

**_ >>i’m gonna make you come so hard. you are going to scream my name._ **

****

**_ >>Always do, jense…always do. _ **

 

Jensen read the last text and heard them call Jared to his mark again, and put his phone away. He shifted in his seat, trying to relieve some of the pressure of his cock against his zipper. He was done for the day and he could go get cleaned up, changed out of his clothes, but he wanted to stay, watch Jared, be there when he was finished so they could head home together.

 

Jared forced his focus back onto Sam, into becoming Sam and off of Jensen and the promises he was making. The sooner he got out of there the sooner he could expect Jensen to make good on those promises. He looked to his costar of the week. She was short and dark and petite and just a few months ago she would have appealed to him. Casting always seemed to bring in girls that were just what Jared had always dated, like they wanted to set him up. He smiled vaguely at whatever she was saying and leaned to hear her better as they waited for the director to call them to begin. 

 

Amber? Angela? Said something and Jared threw back his head and laughed. Jensen tensed in his chair. His gaze focused with laser intensity on the interaction. Jared was leaning in, as he always did. Halfway because he was so tall he was used to leaning, and halfway because he was a great guy and he always made everyone feel like they were important whenever he was talking to them, listening intently. If Jensen had been able to take his eyes off Jared long enough, he would have found his knuckles white from gripping the arms of his director’s chair. As it was, all he could do was watch Jared flirt, charm, be his usual incredible self and make yet another conquest. This one a perfect example of everything he liked in a woman. She was pretty, tiny, with long dark hair and dark eyes. Jensen wasn’t sure if he wanted to throw up or punch someone’s face in, maybe both. He also wasn’t sure if he could tear his gaze away, but also didn’t want to watch someone take Jared’s attention and interest so easily. Fuck. 

 

Finally Jensen forced himself to move, turning and finding his way quickly to wardrobe to get changed and showered in his trailer. The scene in front of him, both off screen and on was too painful to continue watching. 

 

tbc

 

~~~~~~~


	11. Chapter 11

~~~~~~~

 

“Jen?” Jared called out as he entered the quiet house. He wasn’t sure when Jensen had left, but once he realized the other man was gone he had texted several times with no answer. Clif said he had taken Jensen home, and Jared wondered why he had left instead of waiting. They almost always waited and rode home together, even before their relationship had become more. Jared felt a little hurt at the turn of events.

 

Jared let the dogs out the back door and then headed to Jensen’s bedroom, passing through the family room and then to his own when neither resulted in finding him. Finally checking the garage, Jared found that Jensen’s car was missing and texted again.

 

**_ >>Just got home. Where r u?_**

 

After five minutes with no answer, Jared tried calling only to have the phone roll into voicemail. What the fuck? He was starting to get annoyed, and worried. Jensen was never out of reach. He invariably took Jared’s calls and answered his texts, always had, really. 

 

**_ >>Ok please answer. Im getting worried. Where the fuck r u? _**

 

Ten minutes later Jared received a text that did little to alleviate his concern and a lot to up his anger quotient. 

 

**_ >>hanging out with Tom. i’m fine. _**

 

No invitation to join them, no indication of where he might be or when he might return, and no apology for ignoring his calls and texts. Not to mention that Jared wasn’t all that comfortable with Tom and Jensen’s relationship; was pretty sure Tom wanted Jensen. Seemed like he had for as long as Jared could remember. 

 

He had met Tom while filming ‘Cheaper by the Dozen with him, but they hadn’t been close enough that they kept in touch. The first time they had all hung out together was early in season one, since Smallville was filmed close by and Jensen and Tom had remained good friends, and at the time Jared had wondered if something was going on between the two men as he watched Tom watch Jensen. But all signs had pointed to Jensen being straight and he hadn’t thought anything much about it since then. But then again, until now he hadn’t had any reason for concern since until now he hadn’t had a right to question their feelings or what they were doing.

 

Jared refrained from sending another text or calling again, refusing to make himself look like a needy idiot, or the jealous boyfriend. He instead let the dogs back in, made himself a sandwich and ate it standing in the kitchen then headed to bed, determined to be asleep and unconcerned whenever Jensen did come home. He wondered where Jensen would decide to sleep, trying not to place too much emphasis on what that decision would mean. Sleep had no intention of taking him, however, and he lay there wondering and worrying while waiting for Jensen’s return.

 

Jensen lifted his fourth, or was it fifth beer to take the last swig, smiling at whatever Tom was saying. Between the beers and the tequila shots he was feeling no pain. He had spent most of the night listening to stories of his old friends and coworkers and the new cast members, and reliving some good times from when he had been on the show. Tom was a good friend and a fun guy. Too bad Jensen wasn’t able to really concentrate on anything he said tonight. His mind was too filled with wondering what Jared was thinking, how he felt about the new bitch on set, whether it would mean the end of their hardly developed relationship. 

 

“Jen?” Jensen heard Tom, and wanted to snap at him. That was Jared’s name for him and it felt wrong coming from someone else.

 

“Dude, it’s Jensen. Not Jen or Jenny, like fuckin Mike tries when he’s drunk or high. Jensen.”

 

“Sorry.” Tom didn’t really sound offended and Jensen was glad because he wasn’t sure he had any intention of apologizing at this point. “You want me to take you home? You definitely can’t drive now, and you can just pick up your car tomorrow or whatever.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Thanks man.” Jensen wasn’t drunk, but he knew he had had more than enough that driving wasn’t a good idea.

 

The radio kept the lack of conversation on the way to Jared’s house from becoming awkward. Tom seemed to be lost in his own thoughts and Jensen was glad not to have to talk. He was just ready to be home, ready to climb in bed and feel Jared’s warmth reassuring him that things were going to be ok. Then it occurred to him that maybe he couldn’t just get into Jared’s bed uninvited. So far they had basically gone to bed together and ended up there, but could he really just walk into the house and get in Jared’s bed? Fuck. Probably not.

 

When they pulled up in front of the house, Jensen turned to thank Tom for the ride and found himself with a warm mouth on his own. Stunned momentarily, Jensen was slow to pull away in his confusion. Then jerked when he realized exactly what was happening. “What the fuck, Tommy?”

 

Tom reached forward and grasped the back of Jensen’s neck, and attempted to pull him back in. “Come on, Jensen. I know you and Danneel aren’t together anymore. This is ok. Tell me you haven’t felt it.”

 

Jensen refused to be pulled in but stared at Tom for a few long seconds. Maybe he had thought about it, in a vague way, Tom was pretty fucking gorgeous and hell, Jensen had always known he found men attractive, not as often or as intensely as women, at least not since high school or until Jared. But it had never been a possibility and it had been a long time since he had even considered Tom that way. And now? Now it wasn’t going to happen because he was in love with Jared. Unless Jared moved on. Left and ended up with little miss perfect for him the casting director was throwing his way. “Tom. No. I’m sorry. Yeah, maybe at one time I thought about it, maybe. But there is someone else, someone I won’t hurt like that, and hell, I care enough that I can’t even consider anyone else right now.”

 

Tom sighed and his hand dropped away. “Sorry. I didn’t know, and well…I have just been interested for a long time…just…sorry.” He smiled half-heartedly. “If ever…”

 

“I’m not gonna lie, Tom, I hope that it isn’t ever an option, cuz I’m pretty fuckin gone over him right now. And I’m sorry. I get how it feels to want and wonder. But…I’m…” Jensen’s eyes clouded for a moment and the look Tom saw there made him ten shades of envious for whoever put it there, and he was pretty sure he knew who it was. 

 

“Good luck, man. I hope things work out.” He patted Jensen’s thigh as Jensen turned to open his door. “And I really hope this doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore. I wouldn’t want that.”

 

Jensen leaned to look back into the car and grinned. “Naw, we’re cool. I’ll see ya soon. Thanks for the ride, man. And for tonight. I really needed to get away.”

 

“Anytime.” Tom smiled back.

 

Jared jerked open the door before Jensen could even grab the handle. Jensen found himself pulled into the house and shoved against the door. “What the fuck? What the fuck?” Jared was practically yelling in Jensen’s face and his body was pressing Jensen hard into the door. “You fuckin Tom now too? Huh? You some kind of slut now or just seeing how much dick you can take?”

 

Jensen was instantly so angry and yet so incredibly turned on he didn’t know what to do with everything. Anger won out momentarily, but it didn’t diminish the size of his erection. “Fuck you, J. You don’t own me. Especially after I watched you eye fuck little miss hottie on set today. You were flirting and working that shit, don’t even try to act like you weren’t. And why not? She’s just your type, right? Exactly what you always go for. I swear if I didn’t know better I’d say you cast these girls yourself.”

 

“What? I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. I was nice to her and if that’s your definition of flirting, fine whatever. But that’s it. Nothing happened. I just had to watch fucking Tom Welling stick his tongue down your throat in my fucking driveway. Right in my face.” Jared slammed his hand against the door to emphasize his point.

 

“So you didn’t fuck her today. Aren’t you the saint? Doesn’t mean you won’t. Hell, you’ve been engaged to the last two that fit the bill. I’m sure you will get there.” Shoving hard, Jensen tried to break free of the body pinning him against the door, but he barely budged Jared. Jared had become nothing but muscle and Jensen’s body reacted again to the nearness and strength of his costar and lover.

 

“Um, I have some restraint. Plus I don’t just fuck every attractive person that comes along, unlike some people, I guess. When I’m with someone I don’t look for sex everywhere.” 

 

Jensen shoved again, this time with his hips. “Step back, Jared. You are through pushing me around.”

 

“No. You? You’re mine. You became mine the minute you let me fuck you. The minute you let me inside you. We agreed to give this a try and now you have to answer to me.” He leaned so his mouth was almost pressed against Jensen’s , body flush to the smaller man’s. “So? You wanna explain what the fuck I just saw out the window? Cuz I don’t share what’s mine, Jen. Not one little bit.”

 

Jensen’s breath hitched, as did his hips at the commanding tone. Possessive, jealous, manhandling Jared was even hotter than just manhandling Jared. “Nothing. He kissed me, yeah. But, I didn’t kiss him back. And he didn’t have his tongue down my throat, it didn’t go anywhere near that far. ”

 

Grinding his hard cock against Jensen’s, Jared stayed close, wanting to kiss Jensen but the possibility that Jensen might taste like Tom held him back. “I knew he wanted you. He has for a long time. Bastard. So you didn’t fuck him?”

 

“No. Shit, J. We were at a bar and I had too much to drink so he brought me home. It was just us hanging out til we got here and he tried that shit. What you saw was all that happened. He tried, I said no. The end.” Jensen’s breath was coming in little pants as Jared continued to push against him, their dicks sliding and pressing through their clothing.

 

“The end is right. That? Never happens again. You get that? You understand that you’re mine and I won’t share?” Jared paused his movements as he waited for Jensen’s answer. Jensen was attempting to move again, recapture that pressure that felt so good. “No. I need to hear it. I need to know you get that you are mine and we aren’t sleeping with anyone else. Not kissing anyone else. Nothing.”

 

“I get it. Yours. I’m yours, you are mine. No kissing, no sex…no one else.” Jensen was looking up into the dark eyes above his. Eyes that could convey so many feelings. Right now they were lust blown and angry. “Kiss me, J? Please.”

 

Jared pulled away, head leaning back hard and fast. “No!” 

 

Jensen drew a quick breath and felt his heart constrict. Maybe things were fucked up now. He felt fear flood through him.

 

“Not with his taste on your mouth.” Jared hissed out.

 

Jensen nodded. “Ok, yeah. Let me go, J. Let me wash my face, brush my teeth, k? Just let me go because I want you. Want to feel your mouth on mine. So much.”

 

By the time both men met back in the bed, mouths and faces clean, Jared was exhausted. The events of the evening and the intense feelings draining him to the point he was ready to drop. But he wanted nothing more than to kiss Jensen until he couldn’t remember how it felt to kiss anyone else, especially Tom. He wanted to claim Jensen, mark him as his own.

 

The wet, dirty kisses Jared was giving Jensen were more erotic than some of the sex Jensen had had in his life. He felt like he was being consumed and he was giving as good as he got. Jared was hard again, hips stuttering against Jensen’s as tiny moans escaped his throat only to be swallowed by Jensen’s greedy mouth. Placing both hands on Jared’s face; Jensen maneuvered himself over the younger man, lining their cocks up without breaking the kiss they were sharing. He knew he wasn’t going to last much longer but he didn’t care. The fact that he was about to come from nothing more than sharing these deep searching kisses and humping against Jared like a teenager was turning him on more than he would have thought possible. 

 

Jared jerked hard once and then cried out as his orgasm tore through him. “Oh…fuck Jensen…fuck.” He grabbed Jensen’s ass, fingers spanning the round globes covered only by boxer briefs and continued to grind against him until he felt Jensen’s body tense and then shudder hard as his own peak hit.

 

They lay like that, cum cooling between them and sticking their underwear to their bodies until Jensen lifted his head and smiled. “That was embarrassing and yet really hot, right? I haven’t come in my underwear since I was a kid. What you do to me, J…you just don’t know.”

 

Jared smiled back, running a finger along Jensen’s freckled nose, “Yeah, I think I do. Cuz it’s the same thing you do to me. You make me crazy. Make me lose all sense of reality and all control. So fucking hot, Jensen.”

 

“Mmm, good. But I kinda like it when you take control, too. It’s really sexy when you go all alpha male, being all possessive and ‘mine’ and just push me around a little.”

 

“Really? Yeah, I like it when you do too. Like the fact that you aren’t small and fragile, that you can take it. And like that you can push me around a little too. It is hot. Oh, and maybe I did flirt today, just a little. Maybe I wanted to see how you would react. I like the idea that you get jealous over me.”

 

Jensen furrowed his brow as he looked down at Jared. “Oh yeah? I should have known. Next time you try that shit I will throw you up against the door like you did me.” His expression turned serious. “I’m sorry, by the way. Really sorry. I wouldn’t have kissed Tom. Not for anything. I wouldn’t hurt you like that, and I don’t want him anyway. You are what I want.”

 

“”S ok, Jen. I know you wouldn’t. I knew that, I just got so crazy when I saw it. I wasn’t thinking straight. You can’t imagine how much it hurt. But I know it wasn’t you.”

 

“Good. Really wouldn’t hurt you like that, ever.” Jensen kissed Jared hard, tongue delving inside to explore his mouth yet again before pulling back to meet his eyes. “Oh, and J? You do know it works both ways, right? You are mine just as much as I’m yours.”

 

“Yeah.” Jared said, wrapping his arms around Jensen and drawing him down onto his chest. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, baby.”

 

 

~~~~~~~


	12. Chapter 12

~~~~~~~

 

It was still pitch dark when Jared woke with a hard on and Jensen sprawled across him, naked and warm, face buried in Jared’s chest. Running his fingers over the expanse of muscle and soft skin laid out before him, Jared said softly, “Jen? Jensen?” When he started to stir, Jared continued, “Let’s get cleaned up. We are still covered in our own cum. Gross. Besides, I want what you promised me today before everything went all to hell.”

 

Raising his head, sleepy smile spread across his face and eyes half open, Jensen asked, despite knowing exactly what Jared was talking about, “What’s that, J?”

 

Jared wasn’t fooled by the fake innocence, but he also thought maybe Jensen just wanted to hear him say it. He seemed to get off on hearing Jared talk dirty almost as much as he did being manhandled. “Umm, want you to put that cock that’s currently pressing against my thigh in my ass, Jen. Want you to fuck me, hard and deep. I think you promised to make me scream your name. Not sure that’s possible, but I’m ready to give you a chance to try.”

 

Jensen’s voice was deep and slightly wrecked as he said, “Get cleaned up. Meet me back here in twenty minutes. Naked. Don’t be late. Don’t make me come looking for you. Got it?”

 

Jared felt his cock twitch hard at the command and tone of voice. 

 

Grabbing Jared’s face and turning it toward his own, Jensen demanded. “Answer me, Jared. You got it?”

 

Jared realized Jensen had noticed his reaction to the commands when he saw the green eyes flicker to his cock and back up to his face. “Yeah. Yes. I got it.”

 

Jensen smacked the bare ass that was displayed as Jared hurried to comply. He thought maybe Jared needed to spend a lot more time naked. Maybe all of his time at home naked. Hmm, definitely something to think about. He was hard just from Jared’s reaction to being told what to do, not to mention the knowledge of what was to come.

 

Jared was back in the bedroom and in the bed within fifteen minutes, heart pounding and dick hard. It had taken supreme effort to take a shower thinking of what had just happened and what Jensen was going to do to him and not touch his needy erection except to wash. But he had done it, had scrubbed his skin quickly and efficiently, unwilling to even consider being late, although now that he had a minute to think about it, maybe he would like the repercussions. Hmmm. Thoughts for another time. 

 

When Jensen entered the room from the hall bathroom a few minutes later, Jared drew in a deep breath. God, he could watch Jensen for hours, days, especially naked. He was amazed at how very affected he was by Jensen. How had he spent his whole life with small women, thinking he was happy with that? This was going to be his standard for perfection from here on out. Jared was never going to be happy without these muscles and freckles…and huge fucking cock. Damn. How was that going to fit? He steadied his breathing. He knew it would work. After all, he was quite well endowed and he had fucked Jensen just fine with a little patience. The memory of that had his muscles clenching and a bubble of precum running down the head of his dick. 

 

Jensen approached the bed, hard and aching at the knowledge that soon he would be inside Jared. Something he had wanted for so long coming to fruition. Fuck but Jared looked hot sprawled there, golden skin shining in the lamplight, cock hard and leaking and face full of expectation and lust. The fact that this man wanted him left him almost light headed. Jared was so gorgeous and full of life it practically took his breath. He was going to make this incredible. Make Jared forget everyone else, make him unable to imagine giving it up.

 

“Want you, J. Gonna make you feel so good.” Jensen lowered himself until he lay completely covering Jared on the bed, warm damp skin sliding together, and kissed Jared like he owned him, like he was laying claim, and Jared opened up and gave it all in return. Bodies writhing, both men lost in the moment, Jensen mouthed his way down Jared’s jaw. Jared stretched his neck, inviting Jensen to explore the exposed skin. Jensen wasted no time licking and sucking, biting the smooth expanse before moving lower, licking Jared’s collarbone and reveling in the soft moans coming from his mouth. Jensen licked one nipple and then wrapped his lips around the other, sucking gently and then teething at the hardening nub. Jared’s hips were hitching slightly, so turned on he wasn’t aware of his own actions.

 

Jensen trailed down to the hard muscles of Jared’s abdomen and settled to explore the smooth skin covering the ridges he found there. Jared realized he and Jensen apparently both had a thing for Jensen’s mouth on his stomach. Jensen kissed and sucked on the trail leading from Jared’s navel toward his cock, but detoured to explore the hip bones prominently displayed and teasing, running his tongue over and around the muscles that pointed at his ultimate destination.

 

The cock straining toward him was more tempting than he had imagined. Jared was beautiful all over, and his dick was no exception. It was hard and flushed and wet, laying against his lower belly, curving slightly upward and begging for the attention Jensen was only too happy to provide. He licked at the head, taking in the trails of salty precum there, darting into the slit and coaxing more out before taking as much into his mouth at once as he could, sinking down almost to the base in one long suck.

 

Jared could tell he was getting close to losing control, so he grasped Jensen’s arms and quickly reversed their positions, capturing those sweet lips in a passionate deep kiss that spoke of want and thanks and more. He could taste himself on Jensen’s tongue when he drove his own inside and the thought made him shudder. He released that tempting mouth to explore as Jensen had just done, wanting to taste and discover what made Jensen crazy, too.

 

Finding that Jensen’s neck was a hotbed of sensitivity wasn’t a big surprise and he spent long minutes eating up the keening noises Jensen made when he moved to pluck and pinch at his nipples. Jensen arched into the caresses, silently begging for more. Jared happily gave him exactly that. He latched onto one nipple, sucking softly and then harder as the sensations caused Jensen to cry out. Using his teeth to bite softly at one nipple while teasing and plucking at the other was taking Jensen apart with very little effort.

 

Finally moving on, he mapped out Jensen’s ribs and flat lightly muscled abdomen, dipping his tongue into the deep well of Jensen’s belly button. Placing licks and kisses from one hip to the other, Jared teased Jensen before taking his time licking and sucking along the length of his hard cock, looking up into deep green eyes as he did. “Fuck, J. Enough. You are gonna make me come, and I want to be inside of you when I do. Come on baby, need you.”

 

Unable to resist that request or the promise of what he had been wanting so badly, Jared flopped onto the bed next to Jensen and gripped his hard cock at the base, closing his eyes and getting himself under control. “Do it, Jensen. Put that huge cock inside me, show me how incredible it is.”

 

Jensen grabbed the condom and lube and positioned himself between Jared’s spread thighs. He slid his hands under those thighs and lifted, “Hold your legs for me, Jared. Show me. Wanna see you.”

 

Despite the vulnerability of the position, Jared did as asked, trusting Jensen completely to make him not only feel good but feel safe in this situation.

 

Jensen watched Jared’s trusting blue grey eyes darken as he looked from them to the exposed flesh before him. “Beautiful.” He stated, and Jared wasn’t sure what part of him Jensen meant, and didn’t care. He was panting from excitement and Jensen hadn’t even started yet. When Jensen reached down to touch his puckered hole with a lubed finger, he jerked just a bit in surprise but then immediately pushed closer. Who knew it would feel so amazing just to be touched there, had never considered that as a possible erogenous zone. His eyes slid shut as Jensen circled his entrance, lightly at first, but slowly applying more and more pressure, easing the muscle into relaxation. It felt incredible. He was glad they would be together without using a condom, with nothing between them. “More. Please Jen, more.”

 

Jensen immediately pressed harder, breaching the entry with one long finger, pushing all the way in with one long stroke. Jared sighed and shifted. He was still in shock that this whole thing was making him so crazy. It was the feeling coupled with the idea that Jensen had his finger and soon to be his cock inside of him that was pushing him to higher levels of arousal. Jensen slid his finger almost all the way out, watching his finger and then Jared’s face as he set up a rhythm of in and out that mimicked what he was longing to do. 

 

When Jared began moving with him, he quickly pulled out and immediately pressed forward with two fingers, sliding in fairly easily because Jared was staying so relaxed. After a few moments of pumping with two fingers, Jensen crooked his finger and searched carefully until he hit that bundle of nerves that drew a gasp from Jared and a hard jerk from his hips. Jared whimpered quietly. “Kiss me, Jen. Please?”

 

Jensen leaned forward, taking Jared’s mouth with his own possessively. Licking inside and tasting every inch of Jared’s mouth while his fingers continued their exploration as well.

 

“Ok, enough. I can’t take this, Jensen. I’m gonna lose it just like this if you don’t hurry up and get inside me. Enough teasing. I need your cock. Now.” Jared was again gripping his cock at the base, the tip angry red and wet. Jensen huffed out a stuttered breath and shifted his hips closer, slicking his cock quickly and lining himself up. He couldn’t wait to feel Jared from the inside. To have that tight tunnel squeezing his cock the way it had just been gripping his fingers, feel the heat. He spread his fingers and twisted them as he removed them, hoping Jared really was ready because he was close to the edge and didn’t want to hurt his lover.

 

The initial breach hurt a bit, but Jared didn’t hesitate to push forward at the same time Jensen did. He was tired of waiting and if that dick felt as good as his fingers, which he was pretty sure it was going to be a lot better, he was going to lose his mind. Together they moved toward each other in a long, slow, steady thrust that embedded Jensen to the hilt. They both gasped as their bodies became flush against each other.

 

“Yesss.” Jensen hissed out. He had seen and recalled how much Jared had enjoyed this, but he was unprepared for how unreal it felt. Jared was gripping him so tightly he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to move, and at this moment he wasn’t sure he wanted to ever move anyway. He wondered momentarily how much better this felt without the condom between them and vowed to make sure they experienced it with Jared topping in the very near future. 

 

Soon Jared squirmed slightly, the initial burn receding and the need for Jensen to thrust into him became strong. Jensen’s body answered the movement with one of his own before he was aware it was happening. He pulled out partially, body trembling with the effort to move slowly, and thrust back in hard and deep.

 

Jared was writhing within a few quick thrusts. Jensen was not only filling him in a way that felt perfect and right, but the head of his dick was dragging over and over that bundle of nerves every time. Jared was unprepared for how much he loved everything about this. He had been sure nothing would feel as good as being inside Jensen but this? This was unreal. He was going to come without his dick ever being touched. He could feel his impending orgasm building deep within him, tingling in his lower back and his balls.

 

Jensen was digging his fingers deep into Jared’s hips, his own thrusting and stuttering out of control. Jared’s reaction was only intensifying his own pleasure and he was trying to hold off his peak as long as possible to get Jared there first. But he was quickly losing control. “Jare…baby, I…I can’t. I’m gonna come. Come with me. Please come….fuck!”

 

Those words sent an already close Jared over the edge just as Jensen lost it and threw his head back, body out of control and thrusting almost violently, feeling Jared’s muscles tighten even more around him repeatedly making the sensations almost painfully intense. He was still jerking when he looked down to see Jared looking up at him with dazed eyes, cum covering his chest and belly. He slumped forward, head falling to Jared’s shoulder, his release smearing between their bellies.

 

Both drifting in and out of consciousness for the next half hour, Jensen finally reached toward the bedside table, opening the box and pulling out several wet wipes and cleaning them both off and easing out of Jared slowly, but still earning a hiss from the younger man as he did. He tossed their wipes in the trash and kissed a half awake Jared before turning him and tucking him into the curve of his body and falling into a sated deep sleep.

 

~~~~~~~


	13. Chapter 13

~~~~~~~

 

 

Jensen came into the kitchen wearing just a pair of low slung sleep pants that Jared recognized as his own, scrubbing his face with a hand, eyes squinted at the bright light. Jared was pretty sure he had never seen anything sexier. Until Jensen slipped his glasses onto his nose and glanced up to grin at Jared sleepily. The flip his heart and belly did at that sight convinced Jared that nothing could be hotter or more endearing than a newly woken Jensen. 

 

“Morning.” Jensen whispered as he slipped up close to Jared and wrapped his arms around the taller man, head dropping to rest on his pectoral. “You weren’t in bed.” He sounded a little disgruntled and thoroughly adorable.

 

“Had to take the dogs out. You were so out of it you didn’t even budge when I got up.” Jared wrapped his own arms around Jensen, one hand going to rake through the soft tousled hair tickling his lips. 

 

Jensen’s nose twitched and he lifted his head to glance at the coffee maker. Jared grinned when he saw that he had lost much of Jensen’s attention to the smell of his favorite drink. He reached behind himself and pulled a mug out of the cabinet. “Shoulda known you came for the coffee and not me.”

 

Jensen grunted as he watched Jared pour him a cup without moving away. “Ha. No, but if you want me to wake up enough to enjoy you….”

 

“Then by all means…” Jared encouraged, pushing the cup into Jensen’s hands and stepping away a bit. “I’m gonna go take a shower. See you in a little while?”

 

Looking forward to spending a whole weekend with Jared, Jensen smiled from the rim of his coffee mug as he watched him turn to leave. Damn but Jared had a gorgeous ass. Jensen wanted to follow him to the shower and explore every inch of it. But he didn’t. Maybe they needed to spend some time together that didn’t revolve completely around sex. Not that he intended to waste the whole weekend going without, but still. 

 

Jensen knows Jared will take forever to shower, he has time to finish his coffee and still finish a shower before Jared does. He could hear Jared as the shower started and the singing began. He grinned and leaned against the counter as his heart swelled just a little more. He realized there was no denying how in love he is with this man. He feels overwhelmed with it sometimes. Like he could just wrap himself up in Jared and never come out. Despite his fear of being left behind, Jensen is in deep, not only deeper than he has ever been but also deeper than he ever expected he could be. 

 

Jared meant pretty much everything to him. He couldn’t imagine his life without him now, and as scary as it is, he can’t step away, can only hope to keep himself from losing himself to a point he can never come back from when Jared decides he has had enough. For now he just tries to think of ways to keep Jared interested, keep him.

 

They spent the day wrapped together on the couch, watching television and enjoying the closeness. Jared smiled and placed a kiss to the top of Jensen’s head, breathing in his scent. “Love the way you smell, Jen. You know? I think I could pick out your smell anywhere.”

 

“It’s that coconut shampoo you buy. So girly.” Jensen tried to play off the deep longing he felt at the words.

 

“Hey, no one says you have to use it. You can buy any shampoo you want for your bathroom. You love it.” He nudged Jensen. “But that’s not what I mean. I mean you. Your smell. Under all the rest, the shampoo and soap and cologne, it’s you. And it’s so much better than all those other smells.”

 

Jensen enjoys Jared nosing into his hair, pulling his arms tighter around him, snuggling in. He was a girl, he wasn’t sure why he was teasing Jared. He turned his face and kissed the skin above Jared’s open collar, licking along his collarbone. “I love you, J.” 

 

Realizing what had just come out of his mouth, Jensen tensed and was out of Jared’s arms and off the couch, heading toward his own bedroom in a flash. Fuck. Fuck how had that happened? He knew it was too soon, might never be the right time. Why couldn’t he have kept his stupid mouth shut. Just this morning he had been thinking he couldn’t push too hard, had to find ways to keep Jared, and he had ruined it in a few seconds flat. He slammed his door behind him, and sank down with his back against it.

 

“Jensen!” Jared tried the door knob, then knocked urgently.”Jen? Come on. Open up. I need to see you, come on.”

 

“No. I’m sorry, J. I fuck up everything.” Jensen felt his heart squeeze painfully. The last thing he wanted was to look into Jared’s eyes as he ‘let him down easy’. “Can’t we just pretend I didn’t say it. I didn’t mean it. It just came out.”

 

“Open the fucking door.” Jared was starting to sound angry. 

 

Jensen realized he was hiding in his room like an emo teenager and took a deep breath, opening the door. “Hey J.” He addressed Jared, but didn’t look directly at him. 

 

“Could you look at me, please?” Jared stepped close, crowding Jensen against the wall without touching him. “Jen.” 

 

The commanding tone and body language gave Jensen’s cock a twitch, despite his misery. He looked up, steeling himself for the pain he knew was coming, the inevitable letdown.

 

The uncertainty in Jensen’s eyes made Jared close his eyes momentarily. Jensen misinterpreted the gesture and tried to push past Jared, but Jared wasn’t moving. “No. You aren’t running again, Jen. What the hell? Who hurt you so much that you can’t even face me after telling me you love me?”

 

Jensen put on a stoic face, “Look, it’s not like that. I just said it, Jare. It was…”

 

“Don’t do that. Don’t.” Jared stepped even closer, pressing against Jensen. “Don’t cheapen something like this. If you really don’t mean it, fine. But if you do, please don’t ruin it. This…it’s….”

 

Jensen watched Jared’s face and saw need and his own uncertainty. “You’re right. I love you, Jared. Love you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t love me, or whatever. Just…don’t stop…I can’t lose your friendship, ok? Please?”

 

“Jensen. I love you. God, you are killing me. I love you, have for so long. Why would you even think…fuck. I love you, and the fact that you love me? Makes me the luckiest guy…seriously? How are you so…oblivious?”

 

Jensen sagged against Jared, unable to fully comprehend what had just happened. “J? Really?” He cupped Jared’s jaw with his hand. “I don’t know. I just…I don’t think anyone has ever…”

 

“No way. I can’t even…damn. Do you know you? Have you seen you? How could anyone not love you? I’ve loved you for so long. I just couldn’t help it.” Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen, leaning his forehead against Jensen’s. “In some way I’ve loved you since I met you.”

 

Jensen scoffs and Jared grips his chin, “I’m not saying I was in love with you in the beginning, but you have been important to me in some way since the beginning. I felt an instant connection to you. I immediately wanted to be close to you, to know you. You became my best friend in like no time. That was amazing. I’ve never felt so comfortable and easy with anyone in my whole life. I’m not exactly sure when I actually fell in love with you, but I do know that you have been the most important person in my life for a long long time. And now, I definitely love you, I’m _in_ love with you.”

 

Jensen’s tentative, spreading smile was like the sun peeking over the horizon after a long dark night. Jared felt warmed by it. “I love you too, Jared. So damn much. I’ve been too scared to tell you, but yeah. Love you.”

 

Neither was aware how it happened but they found themselves in Jensen’s bed moments later, and spent the better part of the next two days loving each other thoroughly, open and loving in a way they hadn’t been before.

 

 

~~~~~~~


	14. Chapter 14

~~~~~~~

 

The next month flew by in a haze of love and laughter, discovery and exploration. The wrapping up of the season was quick and easy, despite the tough emotional drama of the series finale. Neither discussed the future, Jared confident that it would work itself out and Jensen refusing to think about what it might hold for them. 

 

They both headed home to visit parents and relatives for the first week of their hiatus, certain they were going to miss each other, but knowing the following week would find them together at the Australian convention.

 

**_ >>Miss u. _**

****

**_ >>miss you too, j. glad to see family but not the same without you here._ **

****

**_ >>Yeah. Actually looking forward to Australia so I can see you._ **

****

**_ >>even i’m looking forward to it. wanna reschedule so we can fly over together? am I gay for asking that?_ **

****

**_ >>I’m pretty sure gay was having ur dick in my ass. And yeah, I wanna fly over together. Send me ur flight info._ **

****

**_~~~~~~~~~_ **

****

**_ >>im hard. wish u were bent over taking my dick right now._ **

****

**_ >>Fuck, Jen. I’m totally hard now 2 & im at my grandma’s house. Not cool. _ **

**_ >>So, what else?_ **

****

**_ >>ha! guess you’re alright with grannie now? want to taste your cock, suck it down and let you fuck my mouth._ **

****

**_ >>Yes. Please. (and I’m in the bathroom now) You gonna let me cum down ur throat?_ **

****

**_ >>how about on my face and I lick it all off? _ **

****

**_ >>You’re killing me. You’re gonna make me cum just from text messages. Lame and so fucking hot._ **

****

**_ >>you stroking that gorgeous cock and thinking of me, j?_ **

****

**_ >>Fuck yes! Starting toleak precum. Amke me cum, pls._ **

****

**_ >>you must be close since you aren’t able to type a decent text. wanna smack your ass run my finger over your wet cum flled hole before shoving it inside andfinding that spot that makes you cum so hard._ **

****

**_ >>U cant type either jen. fuck yes. finger my ass and suck my leaking cock._ **

****

**_ >>want me to stop suckin your cock long enough to eat my cum out of you?_ **

****

**_ >>Fuck, Jen. That was awesome. I needed that. Now my grandma’s bathroom smells like cum and I have to go sit on the couch and talk about when I’m gonna have babies. Wanna have my assbabies, Jen?_ **

****

**_ >>fuck you Padalecki. more likely you will be the one having assbabies, you take it more often than I do. _ **

****

**_ >>Love u Jen._ **

****

**_ >>Love you J. Cant wait to see you Thursday._ **

 

~~~~~~~~~

Jensen watched, hip against the bar as across the room, as Jared swayed to the music, then slid into the beat and the rhythm, getting lost and eyes closing as he became more entranced. He wasn’t sure what was playing, some pop techno shit that never appealed to him, except when he watched it move through Jared. He also knew he wasn’t the only one watching as Jared moved sensuously. Fuck, it looked like no one in the vicinity wasn’t watching Jared, damn him and that fucking gorgeous face and killer body.

 

Fuck it, they were in what? Sydney, Australia? This place was crazy and he was pretty sure they weren’t the focus of much attention, other than Jared putting out the ‘fuck me’ vibe to anyone in his range. He wasn’t sure he could have controlled this alpha male moment he was having no matter where they were or who might be watching right now.

 

_Turn it up_

_Heat it up_

_I need to be entertained_

 

Sitting his half full beer on the bar, Jensen made his way purposely toward his target, his determination parting the crowd without him giving it conscious thought.

 

“Whatchu doin, Jare?” He breathed, voice harsh, pulling those swaying hips back into his, fitting them together, and letting Jared’s movement begin to guide his own.

 

_I told ya_

_Imma hold ya down_

_Until you’re amazed_

_Give it to ya_

_Til you’re screaming my name_

 

He felt the breath hitch inside him at the surprise of Jensen’s sudden appearance before he answered, “Just dancing, Jen.” He turned his head to answer, in order to be heard over the music blaring through the room.

 

“You sure, J? Cuz it kinda looks like you are advertising that you want to get fucked.” Jensen’s fingers dug a little deeper into the grooves at Jared’s hips, two digging into exposed skin on either side above low riding jeans.

 

Jared felt himself go almost instantly hard. Jensen was usually so laid back, so quiet. Fuck. “No.”

 

“No you aren’t sure or no you aren’t advertising or no you don’t want to get fucked?” Jensen pressed his aching cock deeper into the groove of Jared’s ass, feeling his own heartbeat along with Jared’s, as well as the beat from the music thrum through him.

 

“I…” Jared felt slightly off kilter, the feel of Jensen pressing into him and his slight buzz mingling with the hypnotic tempo of the music creating a swirl of confusion in his brain.

 

“You sure you weren’t inviting that sweet little brunette over there for a taste of your cock? Just your type and she looks like she would love to suck you off right here. Or how about that twink over there. He has been eye fucking you since you started dancing, probably thinking about how a huge guy like you would be huge all over and how you would probably bend him over and fuck him so hard it hurt. But they don’t know...” He sunk his teeth into the skin of Jared’s neck, tonguing the softness in contrast to his teeth digging deep.

 

_Do ya know what you got into_

_Can you handle what I’m bout to do_

_Cuz it’s about to get rough for you_

_I’m here for your entertainment_

 

”They don’t know how you like to take it, do they? How you fucking beg me to bend you over and fuck this tight little ass. How much of a slut you are for my cock in your ass, or in your mouth, how you just spread out, open up for me. Or maybe you don’t want my cock anymore? Out here acting like you might want to put your dick somewhere new tonight. God, can’t leave you alone for one minute. They all want you, see how beautiful you are and just want to have a piece of you.” Jensen was growling now, his voice sounding more like Dean than himself; his uncertainty, fear and jealousy creating an ugly, twisted monster inside him.

 

Jared felt some of the haze slip away as his lover’s words registered, and he tried to turn into Jensen’s embrace. Needing eye contact to reassure him that Jensen wasn’t actually as angry, as dark as he sounded right then. Fuck. But Jensen just thrust against him, fingers bruising as he held the larger man in place. “What’s wrong, baby. Don’t want to dance with me? No fun if you can’t find something new out here?”

 

_Oh, I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet_

_A fallen angel swept you off your feet_

_Well I’m about to turn up the heat_

 

“Fuck, Jen. No. What the fuck?” Jared ground back into the cock at his back, hands coming to reach around the ass behind him, slot them closer, as if that were possible. Fuck. As if he had even thought about anyone else since this whole thing between them started. As if there could possibly be anything that would come close to this, whatever they had between them. It had been a long time coming and it was the center of Jared’s universe now, more everything than any relationship he had ever been in. Hell, Jensen had been the center of his universe long before this if he was being honest with himself. 

 

_Baby I’m in control_

_Take the pain_

_Take the pleasure_

_I’m the master of both_

 

Jensen could feel his cock leaking, creating wetness inside his underwear. The realization led to another as his fingers registered Jared’s lack of underwear beneath his jeans. This sent a surge of uncertainly through him that almost dropped him to his knees. He had been jealous, but he wasn’t really thinking Jared had any intention of cheating, but no underwear? That scared him, like maybe it was real, this awful feeling of fear he was struggling with. Had something happened already tonight?

 

_Close your eyes_

_Not your mind_

_Let me into your soul_

_I’ma work ya til you’re totally blown_

_No escaping when I start_

_Once I’m in I own your heart_

 

Too much. This was too much. Now he was wondering, wondering if maybe Jared had already been with someone tonight, wondering if he was looking for someone else even if he hadn’t, mostly wondering what happened when Jared decided this was all fun and everything, but it was time to go looking for another pretty little brunette that he could flaunt to the world. The fact that he was already this scared meant Jensen was in too deep. It was gonna hurt like fuck when Jared got sick of this and it was over. Every day, every touch, every kiss, every one of these moments was just digging him in deeper and would leave that much larger a hole in Jensen’s heart and his life when it ended. He could feel his heart start to bleed.

 

So he loosened his grip on Jared’s hips, brushed his fingers across the abused flesh one time, breathed deeply at the groove of his neck and shoulder, filling his lungs, mind, heart and soul one last time with that scent. His Jared. Then he stepped back, dropped his hands and turned and walked away. 

 

Jared was so stunned for a moment, he almost fell back when Jensen’s encompassing presence disappeared, then he came back to himself and turned, a questioning look on his face, only to see the back of Jensen’s head as he moved swiftly away through the crowd. He hesitated only a confused moment before heading in the direction he could still see his lover taking toward the door. What the hell? 

 

Jensen didn’t feel the hands of random, wanting strangers that reached for him, brushing against his hips, abs, chest, ass, hell even his crotch as he moved through the crowd. His mind was already shutting down, and these people? They didn’t even register on his radar enough to acknowledge. He just pushed through, needing to get away, get air, get his walls back in place so he could survive this. He _could_ survive this, right?

 

~~~~~~~


	15. Chapter 15

~~~~~~~

 

After losing sight of Jensen on his way out of the bar the night before, Jared had spent hours calling Jensen’s phone and texting him. He wasn’t sure how many ‘Where are you’s and ‘Are you ok’s’ he had sent, but he was pretty sure it was enough to seem like a total out of control needy douche. He hated that. Hated that he needed Jensen enough that it didn’t matter anymore. Didn’t matter that he was giving up power, making himself vulnerable by calling a million times, proving how desperate he was. 

 

Eventually, at about 4:00 a.m. the calls started rolling directly into voicemail, which then announced that it was full, and he knew that Jensen’s phone had been turned off. His stomach had started rolling and aching after about an hour, and by the time he realized the phone was turned off his mind was galloping along after his tumbling stomach. Stupid thoughts were seeping in, thoughts that made him sick, ranging from ‘Had Jensen ended up going home with someone?’ to ‘Did Jensen get sick or hurt?’ By 5:30 he had his grumbling PA calling hospitals and everyone in town for the conference to find out if anyone had heard from Jensen. 

 

Standing in his room, hair practically standing on end from the innumerable times he had raked his fingers through it, Jared heard the door to Jensen’s adjoining room open through the connecting door that stood open, as they generally did when they travelled. He was through the door and facing a weary, bleary eyed Jensen in less than three seconds.

 

“What the fuck, Jen? Where have you been?” 

 

Jensen didn’t even look directly at Jared, just sighed and shook his head, “Not now, Jare.” He looked pointedly at the door between their rooms and walked to it, indicating Jared should follow and leave him alone.

 

“Not now?” Jared’s voice was hoarse and held a note of something dark Jensen hadn’t heard from him before. “Not fucking now, Jensen? Yes now.” He was in his lover’s face and shoved him against the wall, crowding in, face flushed. “Where were you all night?”

 

Surprise registered momentarily in Jensen’s face as he finally met Jared’s eyes and saw the turmoil there. But before he could speak, not sure he was even going to, Jared continued.

 

“Maybe the question should be who were you with last night? One minute you were up my ass asking me who I was thinking about fucking and the next you disappear, don’t answer my texts or my calls, then you turn off your phone. So, what the fuck? Did you fuck someone last night, is that why you couldn’t be bothered to answer me? Why you turn up here this morning like it’s no big deal with your ‘not now, Jare’ bullshit?” Jared was flush against his lover, pressing him hard into the wall, using his muscle and height to pin Jensen where he wanted him.

 

“We don’t have time for this bullshit, Jared. We are supposed to be onstage in like twenty minutes, man. We can deal with this later.” Jensen pushed hard, but Jared wasn’t moving.

 

A new form of panic was quickly spreading through Jared. Jensen was so cold, so aloof. He was never this way with him. Something was seriously wrong. Whether Jensen had slept with someone last night or not, he was definitely not here with Jared now. Not the way he had been, not open and invested. He wanted to continue to press, push Jensen to get the answers he desperately needed, say fuck the convention, this was more important. But he could see that he wasn’t going to get anything out of Jensen right now, could see those walls, the ones he had worked so hard to tear down in the green eyes. His stomach hurt, his head hurt, his heart was aching like he had never experienced and he wasn’t sure how he was going to get through this day.

 

“Fine. We will deal with this later.” He started to step away, but drew back and clenched Jensen’s jaw in his large hand, forcing him to meet searching blue green eyes full of questions. “Wait. Did you fuck someone last night? Go home with someone? Anything?”

 

Jensen’s eyes flashed, tightening before he snapped out. “No, Jared. I didn’t fuck anyone last night. I think maybe I should be the one asking that question.” He jerked his jaw from the bruising grip. “But I won’t. Doesn’t matter.”

 

With those words, Jensen finally pushed away and headed for the bathroom. Jared stood for several long minutes, processing what he had just heard. Instead of being relieved at the assurance that Jensen hadn’t spent the night with someone else, his stomach was roiling yet again at the resigned tone and the comment that said that maybe sleeping with someone else wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. It sounded like Jensen didn’t care, had decided that things were over. Jared clenched his eyes closed for a long moment. How was he supposed to walk out on that stage and put on his normal fun loving image for these people when his whole world may have just been yanked out from underneath him? He forced himself to walk into his room and get dressed, despite the overwhelming urge to just sink to the floor and keen.

 

Walking out on stage after drinking half of what he could find in the mini-bar just to get through the next hour was not Jared’s proudest moment. Hell, he was a professional. Sure he put on the crazy, silly face and played like he didn’t have a care in the world every time they took the stage, played fall guy to Jensen’s straight man, but he never drank before working. But this was just too fucking bad. If he hadn’t done this he wasn’t going to make it. He had to sit there next to Jensen and act, act like his world wasn’t turned on end, maybe ripped apart. They were lucky he didn’t find some serious drugs before he walked out into the spotlight. 

 

Jensen looked about as good as Jared felt. They played their parts though, and gave the fans the show they deserved. And they were almost finished, almost through the whole painful thing when Misha showed up. Fucking Misha. Or not, but that wasn’t how he liked to play the game. Misha loved the ‘maybe they are doing it’ rumors, he loved playing to the fangirls fantasies and creating drama. So, when he decided it would be funny to bend Jared over like he was gonna fuck him when signing Jared’s shirt, it shouldn’t have been a surprise. 

 

And on any other day, it wouldn’t have gone over well with Jensen. He was pretty jealous and possessive in general when it came to Jared. But today? Today was so the wrong day for it. And Jensen almost gave them away with his reaction. He flung himself out of his chair and stalked away immediately, came close to leaving the stage completely. Then the consummate actor Jensen showed up, and he grinned and sat down. He breathed deeply, trying to get his emotions under control. But fuck, he was so out of it to start with. He was hurting so deep he felt like Dean with his hellhounds. It felt like his heart was being torn from his chest to start with. Now fucking Misha with his stupid games. And Jared? Well, he didn’t seem to think this was anything unusual. Maybe this wasn’t something new. God, would this hour ever be over. 

 

He turned to watch as Jared and Misha played to the crowd, who were, of course eating it up. Hopefully no one was watching him too closely or thought anything of his own reaction. Besides, at this point, what right did he have to be upset? Hadn’t he made his decision? Staved off the inevitable rejection by Jared by ending it himself, at least in his own mind?

 

Lost momentarily inside his own head, he was almost surprised when Jared appeared, close to him, leaning in to say something. “Back off, Jared. Go back over and play your games with Misha.” Jensen snarled before stepping away, farther across the stage from the scene playing out for the entertainment of the fans. He pasted on a half smile, acting as if he were playing along, just being silly for the crowd, but this was the last fucking thing he needed right now. Seeing Jared and Misha together hurt, and when piled on top of all of the other razor’s edge bullshit he was skating, he didn’t know how much more he could take.

 

They made it through the rest of the panel, but anyone who knew either of them could certainly see that all was not well. They tried, because some fans were scary with their ability to see inside their relationship, hell inside their heads and guess what was going on between them, not that any of the speculating could ever be proven. But it was always easier to just play their roles and avoid the guessing and assuming.

 

~~~~~~~


	16. Chapter 16

~~~~~~~

 

 

Clif and building security were waiting behind the stage when they finished, and Jensen leaned in, letting Clif know he wanted to go directly to his room. No interest in standing around chatting, Jensen was in a hurry and on a mission. He needed to breathe, he fucking hated being up there on display during the best of times, but right now was about as far from that as imaginable, and he felt like he was going to panic if he wasn’t alone within the next few minutes. Clif recognized this Jensen and had them moving in that direction immediately.

 

Jared was directly behind Jensen, desperately wanting and needing to reach out and touch him, reassure himself that Jensen was here, within reach and unable to escape. The panel had worked in the way that the Misha moments had been a good distraction for the crowd. He was his normal crazy self and the fans loved the added interaction. But, he knew that it was all wrong, it had been such a bad time for something like that, with Jensen questioning him already about sleeping with other people. Fuck. What a mess. How had things gotten so twisted in such a short time? Last night they had gone out to drink and try to shed the weight of the con for a while, and nothing had seemed amiss, but then Jensen had come up behind Jared and started twisting things around, making something out of nothing, and then disappearing like that, leaving Jared with a night full of fear and unanswered queries.

 

Clif was certainly one of the few people who had to know something was occurring between them. He was with them too often not to suspect, but he was also a good friend and confidant, and he never voiced his suspicions nor spoke of them to anyone else. But he also knew his role and position, and played it perfectly. He dropped Jensen at his door and watched as Jared practically sprinted down the hall to his own.

 

By the time Jared was in his room, Jensen had the adjoining door closed and locked. He knew because he tried it immediately. Fuck. “Jensen. Open the door. You said we would talk, man. We need to talk. I am so fucking confused right now. Open the door.”

 

Jensen cringed, heart constricting as he listened to that voice through the door. That voice that had told him of love and want and need. That voice that he had heard more over the last few years than any other. That voice that called to his heart, dug itself inside. It was the voice he associated with happiness and everything he wanted. Everything he was giving up. Had to. Now before he was left a shell of a man from being pushed away, being told he wasn’t enough anymore.

 

“Jensen. Open the fucking door.” Jared sounded scared and angry and uncertain. 

 

Jensen continued packing, trying to ignore that fucking voice. He had to get away, before he lost his mind, before he screamed and pulled his hair out. He would be fine, he just needed to get away. Jared would be upset, worried, but he would be relieved as well. He would see that Jensen was fun, for a while, but that he wasn’t what anyone wanted long term. Then they would just be friends again. And Jensen would be able to breathe again, without the fear. The awful inescapable fear of being left.

 

By the time Jensen finished packing, he realized Jared had stopped knocking. He couldn’t sense his presence at all, which was perfect. He had given up pretty quickly, really. Not surprising but still painful if Jensen let himself think about it, which he didn’t. Jensen texted Clif, letting him know he was leaving early, change of plans. In less than 5 minutes Jensen was out of the back door of the hotel and in the car on the way to the airport, informing Clif that under no circumstances was he to answer Jared’s questions about his plans. Clif’s face contorted slightly. He had just gotten a text from Jared, and decided he had best just not look at it. He couldn’t tell Jared anything Jensen didn’t want him to know. He worked for them both, but privacy was second only to security and safety in his line of work. Damn but he knew the puppy dog eyes he had in store for him when he got back to the hotel. 

 

“I can’t go with you, Jensen. You know that you changing your plans doesn’t change my job plans. You sure this is a good idea?” Clif was worried and Jensen tried to smile.

 

“I’ll be fine, Clif. I need to get out of here, and I don’t want anyone with me. You go back and take care of Jared. He’s the one in the hotel with a million fangirls. I’ll be fine.”

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“No, Clif. I’ll be fine and if I tell you you know Jared will try to get it out of you. That will put you in the middle. No one needs to know where I am. I’m a big boy and will make it to the con in Spain in six weeks. Til then, you take care of Jared, k?”

 

Jensen glanced down, his cell phone vibrating yet again with a message. He tried to ignore it but wasn’t able to resist opening it to see Jared’s message. 

 

_** >>What is goin on jen? Ur scarin me man. I love you.**_

 

Feeling like his heart was going to push its way out of his chest, Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and concentrated on breathing. Clif started to get out, but Jensen laid a hand on his huge arm. “I got it. You head back. Thank you for bringing me.”

 

Clif watched Jensen grab his bags and pull his baseball cap down lower as he sprinted into the airport, worry on his face. Somehow he knew this was about Jared, those boys were so tangled up in each other it was unreal. He looked down at his phone as it vibrated yet again with an incoming message. Saw that there was also a missed called from Jared and sighed. This was not going to be a fun few weeks.

 

Jared threw his phone across the room, seeing at least two pieces bounce from the wall. “Fucking fuck fuck.” He yelled at no one in particular before rushing over to put the phone back together. He knew Clif had to be with Jensen, and Jensen had to have asked him not to answer any questions, because Clif never ignored calls or texts from either of them. He breathed a sigh of relief when his phone turned on successfully after he found the back and the battery. The phone rang almost the second he turned it back on and he jumped, the song blaring since he had turned the ringer to the highest setting, as if he were likely to miss a call right now.

 

“Clif!” He practically yelled into the phone. “What is going on? Where are you?”

 

Clif sighed silently, was it possible to get puppy dog eyes through the phone? “I’m in the car. I will be back in just a few minutes, Jared. Sorry to leave you like that, but I’m assuming you got my message?” He had sent a message letting Jared know he had to run an errand and would be back as quickly as possible and he had alerted con security so there was no lapse. 

 

“Yeah, I got it. Where did you go? I know you are with Jensen.”

 

“No, Jared, I’m not.” Clif knew that wouldn’t throw Jared for long, but it was worth a try.

 

“But you took him somewhere. Where is he, Clif?” Jared knew that he was confirming for once and always that there was more than friendship between himself and Jensen with his concerned voice and questions, but he no longer cared. Something was really wrong and his stomach was hurting in addition to his heart. 

 

“I can’t tell you that, Jared. You know that. Look, I will be back in a few minutes. But it doesn’t matter, you know that I have to respect Jensen’s privacy.” 

 

Jared, known for his sweetness and abiding concern for everyone and their feelings, swore heartily and slammed the phone shut. He immediately tried Jensen’s phone again, to no avail, directly to voice mail this time. He had turned it off again. Fuck.

 

Clif found Jensen’s cell phone on the seat in the back of the car when he got back to the hotel.

 

Clif stared down at the cell phone in his hand, sighing yet again. Somehow he was certain it had been abandoned on purpose. It was turned off, and he dropped it into his jacket pocket, unsure what he should do with it and uncertain what he should tell Jared. Surely telling him the phone had been left so he didn’t continue to call it wouldn’t be an issue. But he would need to get rid of the phone, he couldn’t just hand it over to Jared, either.

 

“Look, man, I’m sorry about how I spoke to you earlier.” Jared’s face was flushed and his hair was wild. Clif shrugged the apology off, knowing Jared wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose. “Did he go to the airport? Come on, Clif, just tell me that much.”

 

“I’m sorry, Jared. You know I would tell you if I could. I know you’re upset and worried or whatever. But I just can’t. I will tell you that you can quit trying to call and text. He forgot his phone in the car. That’s all I can say, man.”

 

Jared knew Jensen hadn’t left his phone by accident. He was avoiding Jared. It was like a punch to an already painful stomach wound. What the fuck was going on? What had happened? He felt panicked and out of control. How could Jensen do this anyway? Just decide whatever in his mind and then turn and walk away as if nothing they had together mattered at all. He wondered again if there was someone else. He knew the answer might be on the phone. It was also the only thing he could hold onto right now to feel like he was connected to Jensen.

 

“Can I have the phone, Clif?” Jared’s tone turned pleading and he looked at Clif appealingly.

 

“You know the answer, man. Again, it’s not that I don’t understand, and I knew you would look at me like that, and it might make me weak, so I gave it to his PA.” Clif knew she wouldn’t cave. For all that she was a meek looking little girl, she would protect Jensen and his privacy to the bitter end.

 

~~~~~~~


	17. Chapter 17

~~~~~~~

 

A little over a month later, Jensen was certain he had never been so depressed, so miserable. He felt out of whack and uncomfortable in his own skin. Time and distance were not making him miss Jared any less. In fact, the pain was all encompassing. He was breaking apart, felt shattered into a million pieces already. Every damn thing he saw, he heard, hell, he _smelled_ made him think of and miss Jared more than he ever thought possible. 

 

Gazing out over the crystal clear ocean, he realized that he hadn’t truly appreciated any of the beauty of this place. He had spent more time than not drunk, thinking surely that much alcohol could help you forget. But no. The ocean was only beautiful because most of the time it reflected one of the many colors of Jared’s eyes. He lay in the huge bed on thousand thread count sheets and only missed the sprawl of long limbs and warm tan skin. He wasn’t sure what he had eaten, but food only made him think again of the massive quantities he enjoyed watching Jared put away on a regular basis.

 

Less than two weeks until he was supposed to be back at a convention, sitting next to Jared, pretending he wasn’t just a walking shell of himself. Had Jared already moved on? He looked down at his new cell phone. How many times had he put in the number to call and beg for forgiveness, beg for just one more day, one more night, one more kiss? God he needed it, felt like he was going to die without it now. He had never loved anyone so much. He wasn’t sure he was ever going to get over this. Now what?

 

~~~~~~~

 

What a complete loser. Jared felt like crying, again. Seriously, when did he become a girl? But, fuck, he felt like a huge part of him had been torn away. And it was just a gaping Jensen shaped wound that wasn’t closing. He not only didn’t know what had happened, where Jensen was, but he had no hope of contacting him. He felt like he was just hanging, and was frustrated by his lack of options. He turned over, burying his face in Jensen’s pillow, trying to capture a whiff of the smell usually trapped there. But it was a lost cause, he had spent too much time smelling that same pillow, it had lost all traces of Jensen. 

 

He had spent way too much time in bed the last few weeks, uninterested in doing anything else. He knew everyone was worried, but he didn’t much care. He talked to his momma long enough to convince her not to show up in Vancouver. He talked to Chad, tried to explain what was going on, but he wasn’t sure he could. He had called Chris multiple times, hoping Jensen’s oldest friend would have heard something. Chris tried to play it off, but Jared could hear the concern in his voice. He figured Chris knew things from Jensen’s past that could shed some light on his reactions recently, but when Chris refused to talk, there was no budging the man.

 

It wasn’t just that he loved Jensen, although that was certainly part of it. He had never felt this with anyone else. It was as if parts of him just didn’t work without Jensen. He sounded lame, even to himself, but again, he couldn’t really be bothered to care. The thought that there might in fact be someone else in Jensen’s life hurt too much to dwell on. He wasn’t sure he had it in him to deal if that were the truth. Jared had wanted Jensen for too long, and now that he had been with him, he considered Jensen his. His forever. He wanted Jensen for the long term, wanted to spend the rest of his life waking up to that face, those freckles, that long lean body; wanted to spend his days hearing that voice, the opinions, that laugh. 

 

He missed his Smeckles. He actually grinned for a moment as he thought about the nickname he had given Jensen years before. Before anything had happened between them. Even then he had had an undeniable fascination with all things Jensen, especially those freckles. And that had been before he had known exactly how many he had on the upper curve of his perfect ass, among other places.

 

His phone rang, the number unavailable, and Jared’s heart tripped momentarily. He answered on the first ring.

 

Nothing. Jared said hello again, quiet but intense. Somehow he could almost feel that it was Jensen on the other end. He sat, listening intently, afraid to say anything, lest Jensen hang up again. He had received several of these calls in the last few weeks and he was certain it was Jensen every time.

 

“Jen?” Jared’s voice sounded hesitant, small, and Jensen hated himself for what he had put him through. And God, he didn’t love him any less in this moment than he had when he ran away like a coward to hide. This hadn’t worked at all. But he didn’t know how to say how sorry he was or how if Jared didn’t forgive him and take him back he wasn’t going to want to keep on living. How fucking pathetic did that sound? 

 

Jensen drew in a breath to say something and hit end, hanging up on Jared yet again without ever having the nerve to even say ‘hello’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘I can’t fucking breathe without you’.

 

“Hey Chris.” Jensen sounded tired, but how was that possible? He hadn’t done anything productive in the last month. Hell, this was his first effort to even let the world know he hadn’t checked out completely, and yet he felt as if he had been ill for weeks or doing some extreme manual labor.

 

“Jen?” Chris’s voice was all kinds of worried and came out harsh. “Jenny? Is that you? Where the fuck have you been? Shit, son, I’m gonna kick your ass all the way back to Texas when I get ahold of you.”

 

Jensen was quiet a few moments and Chris found himself tensing, “Jensen? You have us all pretty fucking worried, dude, and not just that huge lumbering co-star of yours. Although, he has definitely been burning up my fucking phone lines looking for your ass…well, probably all parts of you.”

 

The small laugh was more of a huff of breath, “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I just…I got scared, man. Really overwhelmed. And I just didn’t know how to deal.”

 

“You aren’t…I mean, you are ok, right? Not like how things were the last time, right? Cuz I gotta tell you, Jen, that’s how it felt here.” Chris had been there for Jensen during some of his darkest times. Times that had seemed inescapable, including the time Jensen almost drank himself into a coma, literally. Chris had found him passed out and couldn’t revive him. Jensen had been in a serious depression, sure that he was unlovable and was going to spend his whole life alone. How could someone who attracted so many people not be able to carry a relationship more than a few weeks at a time? It seemed that everyone he ever really felt a connection to left him, didn’t feel the same. He had just sunk lower and lower and at the time couldn’t say for sure that he hadn’t intended to hurt himself.

 

“No!” Jensen is quick to reject that idea. “This is nothing like that. I just…well, I love him. I _really_ fucking love him. But…”

 

“I kinda got that part. Not like anyone who knows you didn’t see it, buddy.”

 

“But like everyone else, I know he will just get sick of my shit and leave. I can’t…fuck…I’m terrified.”

 

Chris sighed, “Jen, he’s not all those other people. He’s a great guy. And anyone who has ever seen the two of you together, before or since you finally figured out your shit, can see how gone he is over you. He’s crazy about you.”

 

Hmm, Jensen hadn’t realized he was so transparent, not that he had consciously pushed Jared away, but still. Then again, it was Christian, and he had always had more insight than a redneck looking cowboy should when it came to Jensen. 

 

“It seems to me he has already put up with a lot of crap,” Christian continued, “like you are trying to push him away for good.” Christian Kane didn’t pull any punches. He was a straightforward guy and had no intention of letting Jensen off the hook, nor letting him wallow in his own self-loathing and insecurity.

 

“I dunno man. I thought I could walk away and let it go. That I wasn’t in too deep yet. I have never felt like this, Kane, and now I know, I can’t…I can’t let him go. I feel like I’ve been walking around without part of me, man. It hurts like nothing else. As terrified as I have been about him walking away from me, there is no way it could be worse than not having him in my life, letting him go without a fight.”

 

“Right. So get your ass home, man. Make it right. He’s pretty fucking worried. I felt bad for the kid, seriously. I never knew if he was gonna cry on me one minute or tear someone’s lungs out the next. I never knew the boy had it in him.” 

 

“But what if he can’t forgive me? What if he has moved on?” Jensen had considered all these things and so much more, but saying it out loud to someone else almost send him into a panic attack. He couldn’t never have Jared again, he couldn’t breathe just at the thought of him with someone else now. “When was the last time you heard from him?”

 

“I dunno, dude. Maybe two weeks? I heard from his sorry ass way too much for a couple of weeks. Felt like turning my phone off, cuz I never had any answers and he was making me more crazy than I already have been over your sorry ass, ‘cept I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t hear from you so I didn’t.”

 

Two weeks. Jensen thought a lot could happen in two weeks. Jared was like a fucking magnet, people just walked into a room, fell in love with him, and he would just fall right back. His reality filter was pretty non-existent when it came to what was good for him and waiting for the right thing, he had so much love inside him, so much to give and he seemed to need for someone to love him. What if he had found another someone? Someone who wasn’t so messed up and could love Jared without fear?

 

Still so many questions. So many fears. But no fear was greater than the thought of having Jared gone completely, of seeing him giving all that he had to give to someone else, loving them and shining all that happiness on anyone but Jensen. So it was time to go fight _for_ what he wanted instead of against it, against everything he wanted and was afraid he couldn’t have. Time to stop letting his dread and insecurity keep out the very best thing that would ever happen to him.

 

“You still there?” Kane sounded concerned. He was truly a devoted friend. Jensen had been blessed the day Christian Kane decided that Jensen needed a friend and a protector, because once you were in with Kane, he was there for you for life.

 

“I’m here. Just scared. But its time. Time to stop being a fucking pussy and hiding. Time to say what I have to say and hope he will forgive me. Give me another chance.” Jensen drew a deep breath. Figure out what I _have_ to do to make it right, because not having Jared was a thought he couldn’t stand anymore. “Thanks, Chris. You’re a good friend. “

 

“Good’s ass, son. I’m the best fuckin friend you will ever have. Now, go get your boy.” 

 

 

~~~~~~~


	18. Chapter 18

~~~~~~~

 

 

Jensen slid into the warm bed silently, slowly, careful to avoid waking Jared. He scooted close, feeling the heat of Jared’s always hot body radiating toward him, beckoning him in. He curled his body around Jared’s, still just barely touching, draped his arm over Jared’s narrow waist, hand resting on his flat lower abdomen. He felt like he could breathe for the first time in a month. He felt like he was home and was terrified this was the last time he would have this.

 

Jared stirred within a few moments of Jensen drawing him close, struggling to push the fog from his mind and separate dream from reality. He jerked slightly when he came fully awake with the knowledge that Jensen was truly in his bed, pressed all along his back, hand resting just above his already hardening cock. Without turning to see his face, Jared had no doubt it was Jensen. No one had ever fit him the way Jensen did, and he could smell the familiar scent of his love wrapping around him the same way his body was being surrounded. Despite the million questions, hell, the accusations and anger he wanted to spew out, Jared forced his body to relax. After a month without this, he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the moment. He closed his eyes and drank in the nearness he had craved and missed so intensely, and fell back to sleep in moments.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Hitting the floor brought Jensen to full wakefulness with a painful jolt. “What the fuck?!” He opened his eyes to see Jared looming over him from the edge of the bed, fury emanating from his large body. It wasn’t morning yet, or was still really early, because there was no light filtering in from outside. Jared’s furious face was illuminated by just the bedside lamp.

 

“Pretty sure that’s my line, Jensen.” He growled, fists clenched as he watched Jensen scoot back a bit and attempt to stand, only to be dropped back to the floor when Jared’s large fist connected with his jaw. “What the fuck?!”

 

Jensen knew he deserved the punch. That and more. He wasn’t sure where to even start to make things right, if that were even possible. “I…I’m sorry, Jared. I know I deserved that.” He moved his jaw left to right, and it fucking hurt, but it was fine. “I love you.” It came out sounding almost like a question. Not because Jensen wasn’t certain that he meant it, but he was definitely unsure as to whether Jared wanted or cared to hear it.

 

“Yeah, I can tell.” Jared spat back. His heart was thumping in his chest hard enough he could feel it through his whole body and he wasn’t certain he wouldn’t throw up any moment now. “Cuz you made that perfectly obvious. Where the fuck have you been Jensen? And why?”

 

Jensen sat in the chair next to the bed, hands gripping the arms tightly as he faced this monumental mess of his own making. “I do love you. I know you probably hate me for what I did, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love you.” He sounded like a tool. Why did he keep saying it like that? This was not how he practiced this speech. 

 

Jared just raised an eyebrow and waited. He had been through hell and back because of Jensen and wasn’t giving in without a lot of explaining and probably a good deal of begging.

 

“I went to Jeff and Licia’s beach house. I just holed up there and spent time thinking. I’m sorry. I just got kinda overwhelmed, I guess. And scared.” He hated how weak he sounded. He was putting all this out there, and Jared might not ever forgive him anyway. “I just…I thought if I left then, if I let you go…that it wouldn’t be so bad. That I could live with it. I thought I wasn’t in too deep to let go.”

 

This was not feeling better. Jared wanted to hit Jensen again. He wanted to hit someone, because these revelations sucked. “So, you lied. You didn’t ever really love me and you just wanted out?”

 

“No. No, J. I just didn’t realize how much I loved you, I guess. I thought it was under control enough that I could handle it ending. But I knew I was getting in so deep that you could really hurt me. That if I gave any more that it would tear my heart out when you walked away. Or when you realized it had been fun but wasn’t worth it. That _I_ wasn’t worth it. Or when you realized that what you really wanted was some cute, sweet little girlfriend you could show off to the world and not some guy you had to hide and who is grumpy as hell before morning coffee and who hates the Spurs and leaves his dirty socks on the floor.”

 

Jared’s heart wrenched painfully. There it was again. Jensen didn’t get it. How did someone who looked like Jensen go through life unsure of his worth? Worried that everyone was going to walk away eventually, it was just a matter of time. But, dammit, his own heart was still so torn up. He wasn’t sure what to say. He sat on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his disheveled hair, only to have it drop right back into a shaggy mess around his face.

 

“I wasn’t even thinking about walking away, Jense. I was in it. I was so damned head over heels with you that you walking away tore my heart out.”

 

Was. Jensen heard the past tense in those words and he lost his breath for a long moment. “So. Now? Is it too late? Can I make you love me like that again? Could you ever love me like that again?” He bit his bottom lip hard enough he tasted blood. He knelt just a few feet away from Jared on the floor. “Is…Is there someone else now?”

 

If he could have torn his eyes away from Jared, Jensen would have done it. He wasn’t sure his heart could take it, those few seconds that stretched into a lifetime while he waited for the death knell that he was afraid was coming. Either Jared would say it was too late because he could never feel that way again or even worse, that he couldn’t because there was already someone new, someone who wasn’t so messed up that he hurt Jared by walking away.

 

Jared’s eyes narrowed as he peered at Jensen. “Has there been someone else for you, Jensen? Did you walk away and go test out your new freedom? Make sure that one guy wasn’t the same as the next? And don’t lie to me. You fucking owe me better than that.”

 

Jensen didn’t hesitate, he knew that he had no leeway in this situation. He needed to do everything in his power to make things right if he had any hope. “No. I never…I swear, Jared, no one. It didn’t even cross my mind. I wasn’t thinking of anyone else, ever. I was just scared of the power you had over me, because it was only you.”

 

A tiny piece of his heart settled in his chest and Jared welcomed it back. “I don’t know, Jen. Fuck. I have been a wreck. I can’t do this again. And you just walked away so easily. Just…just like it was nothing. I don’t know if I can trust you again. If I let you back in and you decide you are scared again or unsure or what the fuck ever, I will just be fucked again.” He looked down at his own hands, clenched tight in his lap.

 

Jensen couldn’t lose Jared now. “I won’t. I swear, J. I haven’t been myself. I thought I could do it. I thought I still had the ability to walk away. But I couldn’t. It hurt so bad. I can’t breathe without you. It was like I just wasn’t whole. Shit, that sounds so lame. But it’s true. I just went through the motions. I couldn’t even forget long enough to get a good night’s sleep or eat a decent meal. You are so much a part of me now, J. Please, please give me a chance. A chance to prove to you that you mean everything to me. I won’t hurt you, ever again. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you let me. If you just give me the opportunity. I love you so much. I never knew I could love someone like I love you.”

 

Jared knew he would never be able to hold out. No matter how angry he had been or how hard the last month had been, he loved Jensen and believed him. The pain and insecurity Jensen was feeling was written all over his face, a face that was sunken and tired and did indeed look like it hadn’t seen a decent meal in weeks. Jensen truly didn’t get that he was worth being loved so much. Jared was the man to show him that he was. He was so gone over Jensen and he planned to make him see his worth. And if Jensen ever even thought about walking out on him again, he would kick his ass until he couldn’t see straight. He would let Christian take a few swings as well, it was good to have Kane on his side.

 

Waiting for an answer while watching the play of emotions across Jared’s gorgeous, beloved face was harder than Jensen expected. He had torn himself apart during the time they had been separated and didn’t know he could still hurt this much. If Jared said no, refused to give him another chance, he would be devastated. Not that he would just let it go, he would continue to fight. Fight for as long as he thought there was a glimmer of a chance that Jared might forgive him and take him back.

 

“I love you Jen. You fucking ripped my heart out with that shit, but I still love you.” He saw Jensen start to look hopeful. “But if you ever do anything like that again? I will cut you out of my life. I mean it. I will not look back. It’s all or nothing, so you better be sure this is what you want.”

 

“It is, Jared.” He slowly moved in, kneeling close and wrapping his arms around Jared’s hips and leaning in, looking up into the face he had missed so desperately. “It’s everything I want. _You_ are everything I want. You won’t be sorry. I will show you every day how sorry I am and how lucky I feel to have you in my life. God I’ve been so stupid and so scared. I don’t know how I ever thought anything could be worse than losing this.” 

 

Jared dropped his head down on top of Jensen’s, drawing him closer, putting their bodies flush. “I love you, Jen.” Pulling the other man onto the bed, he wrapped him tight, and leaned his face back to look down into his eyes. “Missed you so fucking much. I don’t ever want to hurt like that again.” He traced a finger over Jensen’s nose, the freckles he loved more prominent after hours spent in the sun, “Smeckles.” He grinned as Jensen’s eyes closed as he soaked in the touch and closeness, needing it like a balm to his aching soul.

 

“Your Smeckles.” Jensen smiled lazily at the nickname. “Thank you, J. So sorry.” 

 

They lay down on the bed, twined together as closely as possible, just breathing in sync. Jensen drew what felt like the first deep breath in a month.

 

Within minutes he was asleep.

 

~~~~~~~


	19. Chapter 19

~~~~~~~

 

 

Jensen ran a finger over Jared’s soft sac, over his perineum and lightly circled his puckered entrance, no pressure, just a light brushing touch. Jared’s body jerked like he had been electrocuted, then he pressed down, trying to get more…more. It had been so long. Felt like years. Waking up to find Jensen watching him as he had been doing constantly for the past few days, Jared had finally given into his instinct and need and rubbed against Jensen suggestively. He was ready to feel loved and wanted by this man again, and anger had no place in their bed.

 

Sighing silently, Jensen pressed one finger steadily inside and tensed at the easy entrance. Gaze flickering to Jared’s, he pulled back, “There’s been…someone else has…who else has fucked you since me? Who have you let inside you, Jared?” The words came out strangled and pained and harsh. 

 

Jensen knew he had no real right. He had walked away, no promises between them, just walked away and cut Jared out. He had told Jared it was over and disappeared for over a month. But the heat of the choking pain that shot through him thinking of who else might have had this, this part of Jared that was his and his alone, well it was scary it twisted inside him so ugly, ached so badly.

 

Jared lay stunned for a moment, body and mind unsure how things had gone from the perfection of Jensen touching him again, loving him again, to the accusation and loss of touch, of connection. His mouth opened to deny, to reassure Jensen that of course there had been no one else, but that died a quick death. The anger and pain that had built up inside him since Jensen walked out and left without so much as a backward glance were still too close to the surface within him. “That is none of your business, Jensen. You gave up the right to demand faithfulness and loyalty when you walked out. What and who I have done since that day are none of your business.”

 

When Jared started to pull away, move off the bed, Jensen drew a deep breath and held tight. His heart hurt more than he thought possible, it was like the past weeks of deep aching pain had been multiplied and shoved down his throat all at once. He could swear he heard a crack within his chest. But Jared was right. He had walked away, and if that meant he had to live with the knowledge that Jared had found consolation in another’s arms, he would take it as his punishment. He just had to show Jared, remind him, that what they had was better, that what he could give him was more, deeper. “Please, no. Don’t push me away. You’re right, I’m sorry. I have no right to ask. But I do have to know if there is still someone? Now? If you are still seeing someone else, then I can’t do this.”

 

Jared was actually offended. “Does that seem like me? What the fuck, Jensen? Has someone beaten you about the head? No, there is no one else right now, or I wouldn’t be here. I’m not a cheater by nature, you know that. So far you aren’t doing a very good job at making me want to forgive you, you know.”

 

“No. I know you wouldn’t do that, I just wasn’t thinking clearly, I guess. This is just tough.” Jensen pulled Jared close, pushing him back down onto his back and leaning in, face close. “I will make you forget, though, Jare. No matter what else has happened, I will remind you what it means to be mine. How good I can make you feel. You will forget whoever else it was, I promise. I don’t care who else you have been with, just don’t leave me. Let it be me from now on, please. ”

 

Green eyes glittered down into his and Jared shuddered. Yes, he knew Jensen could make him forget just about anything. Jensen had the ability to make him forget his own name, he was pretty certain. The mouth that claimed his then was demanding and yet gentle, devouring and worshipful all at once. Jensen mapped Jared’s mouth with determination and skill. 

 

Days of being so close, of sleeping in the same bed again without making love had heightened them both to a razor’s edge of need. Sucking the tongue that came to greet his own questing one, Jensen groaned as he took in the flavor and feel of that mouth. He began to explore the body he knew so well now, to remind Jared that he knew all the hotspots to hit. Constantly murmuring his love and adoration for this man who meant the world to him, he explored every inch of the tanned flesh laid out for him. 

 

He flicked his tongue across nipples, along ribs and settled to mouth, kiss, lick and suck at the skin below Jared’s navel, to rediscover the muscles and the reactions he could pull out of Jared when he did. He mouthed his way to prominent hipbones and bit down, drawing a long keening moan from the man beneath him. “Yeah, let me hear it. I wanna know that you love what I’m doing to you, J.” Jensen was determined to make this so good, to erase Jared’s memory of anyone but him.

 

“Mmmm, yes.” Jared hissed out, body writhing under Jensen’s ministrations. “More, Jen. Please.”

 

“You don’t even need to ask, baby. I’m gonna give you everything.” He nipped again at the muscle and bone of Jared’s hip before licking across to the other side and giving it the same treatment. Jared’s hips bucked slightly.

 

Jensen moved so that his mouth was hovering over Jared’s long hard erection. He breathed hot over the length, watching it twitch and leak a bit more before leaning in to tongue at the slit and lap up the precum gathered there. He threw an arm across Jared’s hips to hold him down and then ran his tongue around the head, tasting and recalling the feel of that warm soft skin, then paused to lick at the sensitive bundle of nerves before taking the length in deep. He sucked long and hard and then moved to take Jared’s balls into his mouth, sucking and licking and recalling their shape and weight. Wanted to hear the noises, those sweet, beloved noises that Jared made just for him.

 

The warmth and wetness that closed around him then had Jared throwing his head back and arching his back, “Fuck yes. Jensen, your mouth, missed having your mouth on me.” He thrust slightly, as much as possible with the arm that was restraining him. “Want you to fuck me. Please. Need it.”

 

“Yeah?” Jensen looked up at Jared then, mouth wet and swollen. “Want me to fill you up? Fuck you slow and sweet or hard and fast?”

 

“Ungh…doesn’t matter, just need you. Need to feel you. Missed your cock inside me.” Jared was reaching down, pulling at Jensen’s arms. Jensen laid one long last lick up the length of Jared’s weeping dick and pulled his arms out of Jared’s grip. He pushed Jared’s thighs up, tilting his ass forward and shifting him until he was open and exposed. After one last look through thick long lashes, Jensen leaned in and pressed an open mouthed kiss to Jared’s puckered entrance. 

 

“Fuck!” Jared jerked hard, his cock spasming and he had to wrap a fist around his base to stave off an untimely orgasm. He was so close but was a long way from ready for this to be over. This was something they hadn’t previously explored and Jared had been curious but wasn’t prepared for how good it felt, how intense.

 

Jensen pulled Jared’s hand away from his cock, “Don’t, J. Want you to feel everything. If you come, I will just work you over til you are hard and ready again. If you can come from this, do it. But you’re gonna come again when I am inside you. You will come just from me fucking you. No matter how long it takes.” With those words, Jared hissed in a deep breath and dropped his head back against the bed. If he watched this it was going to be over in two seconds. As it was he was going to come in record time. 

 

Jensen dove right back in and kissed him, then laid a long flat stripe from his tailbone to his balls, wetting the area completely. He placed small, harder licks directly to Jared’s opening, pressing in further each time, moving with Jared’s shuddering hips. Finally he sealed his lips around the tight ring and pressed in firmly, tongue fucking Jared a little deeper with each thrust. “Taste so fucking good, J. Feel and look so perfect.” 

 

When Jensen went back in this time, he pressed into the loosening opening a few times before sucking at the hole, and Jared screamed his name and came, body convulsing with the orgasm ripping through him. 

 

Jensen watched as Jared’s body spasmed, reveling in the beauty of his release before kneeling between the spread knees, looking down at the loosened opening, slicking his fingers and immediately pressing one inside, feeling the tremors clenching against him. Jared jerked at the intrusion before pushing down and letting Jensen in. Jensen worked quickly, getting two fingers inside and stretching the relaxed muscle to ready Jared, then lined his cock up with Jared’s trembling entrance. He squeezed his cock hard, rubbing the head against the sensitized area over and over, watching Jared’s mouth fall open somewhat and his eyes that had started to clear glaze over again.

 

Pushing back, Jared whined deep in his throat, “Come on, Jen. Fucking do it. Need to feel you inside me. Need you.”

 

Unable to wait any longer, Jensen pushed in, teeth clenched hard as Jared’s muscles closed around him, drawing him in. “J. Feel so damn good, baby. Gotta slow down a minute, want thisto last.” He looked down through dazed eyes to see that Jared was already almost completely hard again. He bottomed out and thrust once against Jared’s prostate before stilling and watching as Jared filled completely, cock beautiful and rigid against his wet belly.

 

Jared looked up at Jensen and lost his breath for a moment. Jensen was looking at him like he was everything. Smiling vaguely as he fought to hold himself still, to wait for Jared to catch up so he could make good on his promise. “Kiss me?” Jared asked softly. “Kiss me like you love me, Jen.”

 

Without hesitation Jensen leaned forward, changing the angle of their joining slightly and rubbing hard against that bundle of nerves inside Jared as he did. “God J. Do love you. Love you like you can’t begin to imagine.” And then they kissed frantically, Jared starting to writhe on Jensen’s cock. Needing more. Jensen withdrew, hips moving just enough to pull almost all the way out before plunging hard back in. They licked into each others mouths, seeking the taste and feeling they both needed, tongues tangling. Jensen gasped hard and Jared sucked it in as Jensen cried out. “No. Gonna. You gonna come with me, J?”

 

Jensen straightened up and grabbed Jared’s hips hard, driving in with short fast jabs that found that spot every time. He watched Jared arch and push back, moving with Jensen and against him, seeking everything he could get. Jared ran his hands over Jensen’s chest, stroking and rubbing. When his fingers brushed over nipples and Jensen sucked in a breath, he paused and played. He tugged and pinched, twisted and soothed. It just made Jensen even crazier and more out of control. Jared watched his expressive face as he got closer and closer to the edge, knowing he would never see anything more beautiful.

 

After a few long minutes, Jensen started to whimper, his body losing the steady rhythm as he lost control and came closer and closer to coming. When Jared’s walls clenched hard and he keened as his second orgasm stole over him, Jensen let go and thrust hard, coming deep inside his lover, his body convulsing during and then shivering after his overwhelming orgasm.

 

He dropped down on top of Jared, unable to hold himself up any longer. The evidence of Jared’s two orgasms sliding between their stomachs.

 

“I love you Jared.” Jensen’s voice was raw, husky and quiet, but there was no doubting the sincerity behind it. He pressed in close, sucking hard at the curve of Jared’s shoulder and neck, biting and sucking a mark there; his mark, claiming his mate, his love, _his_.

 

Jared shuddered and wrapped his arms around Jensen, kissing the top of his head, “I love you, Jensen. So much...” He paused and Jensen could hear that there were words there hanging unsaid. He held his breath hoping there wasn’t a ‘but’ coming next.

 

He looked up, his eyes seeking out the multicolored ones he loved so much. “What, J? Please don’t say ‘but it isn’t enough’ or that you are leaving me. Anything else I can take. I probably deserve it, but not that, please.” He sounded pathetic, but like he had said, he knew he deserved no less.

 

Jared smiled, tracing Jensen’s worried features and feeling his heart thud in his chest. Jensen was back where he belonged, in Jared’s arms, and he had no intention of letting him go again. “No ‘buts’ Jen. I was just thinking…I wanted you to know, there hasn’t been anyone. No one but you since that first day in the trailer. Not once.”

 

Looking confused, Jensen started to speak and Jared looked embarrassed, but didn’t break eye contact. “It was just me…I mean I used a…well, a toy a few times. Fuck, I even thought of you then. God, how embarrassing.”

 

Jensen dove in and kissed Jared, hard. Tongue sweeping in and claiming, speaking volumes about his love and appreciation. “Not embarrassing, J. It’s totally fucking hot is what it is, and so…perfect? Thank you, baby. Just…thank you. Wait, what about when Genevieve was in town those few days? I mean, not that I expect…”

 

Jared cut him off, “No, not even then. I just couldn’t, even after I heard you come in that night with some guy.” Jared wanted to ask, but was afraid of the answer.

 

Realizing what Jared was hinting at, Jensen smiled, face full of his love for this man. “That really was exactly what I said it was: he didn’t even set foot in my room. He really was just fighting with his wife and drunk…and I…well, it sounds so lame, but I haven’t wanted anyone since you and I first started this. I couldn’t even with Danni during that hiatus. I actually tried, but…no. No one but you, Jared.”

 

Jensen smiled, unable to believe that this man—this beautiful, perfect creature was his, and he intended to keep it that way. Somehow it had been a blessing that no one else had hung around long enough to become a real part of his life, if it meant he would have missed out on this. He pulled Jared in tighter, never close enough, laying one hand on his heart, the heart he meant to keep.

 

Wrapping Jensen up tightly, nuzzling at his neck, Jared sighed contentedly. He had never felt so right in his own skin, and that surprised him. He had never considered himself to be discontented, but once Jensen came into his life, everything had fallen into place perfectly. He still intended to show Jensen all he was truly worth, remind him every day that he deserved happiness and love and that no matter what he was going to be getting it.

 

They were going to be alright. They were going to be all they were fated to be.

 

 

epilogue soon....

 

~~~~~~~


	20. Epilogue

~~~~~~~

 

**Epilogue**

 

~~18 months later~~

 

“Chris?” Jensen sounded just shy of frantic. “Where are my cufflinks? I…fuck, I can’t find anything. How am I this unorganized?”

 

Chris sighed as he came into the room, holding out his hand with a pair of white gold cufflinks inside. “Calm down. It’s under control, man.”

 

Jensen thanked his friend as he took the cufflinks and secured them, turning to view himself in the mirror. His tuxedo was black, traditional and sleek. His shirt was crisp white and his tie and vest were silver. Refusing to glance at Chris and attempting and failing to sound nonchalant, Jensen asked. “Is he here? Have you seen him?”

 

“No I haven’t seen him, but he’ll be here. You know he will. He loves you like crazy, man. Like maybe more than you deserve.” Chris smiled at his oldest friend, teasing and reaching out as if to ruffle his hair.

 

Jensen ducked and his eyes slid away. “It’s true. He is more than I deserve. I…what if he just doesn’t show? What if he realizes…”

 

“Hey. I was just kidding. You totally deserve someone awesome, Jen. Don’t even think about starting that shit again. I thought you worked through all that with Jared. And there is no way he won’t show. He worships the ground you walk on. Seriously. Come on. You don’t want to be late, son.”

 

Jensen drew a calming breath. He could do this, he could. He knew Jared loved him and they had worked hard to get to this point. He had worked hard to accept all the love Jared had to offer and understand that this was it, this was where Jared wanted to be and that he was loved. No more freaking out. He couldn’t wait to get out there, to see his Jared and commit to a lifetime together. He was blessed and he intended to be thankful and grateful for it every day of his life.

 

 

Jared’s smile wobbled just a bit as he stood in front of his mom, who was straightening his tie for what felt like the millionth time. He was dressed to match Jensen in the tuxes they had agreed upon. He had been tempted to wear a white tux but didn’t want to look like he was the bride. “Is he here, momma? God, I’m so nervous. What if he changed his mind?”

 

He was practically bouncing in place, and his mom cupped his cheek and smiled softly. “He hasn’t changed his mind, JT. You know that boy loves you enough to walk through fire for you. He is here. I know he is, and so do you.”

 

“I love him so much, momma. I really really love him. He’s everything I ever wanted, you know?”

 

“Yes, I know. He’s a great man, JT. You are both blessed you found each other. We couldn’t be happier for you, you know that? We always loved Jensen anyway, and we are thrilled to have him as part of the family now.” She smoothed Jared’s hair lightly. “You boys just have to take care of each other and talk to each other and listen and love and you will have a lifetime of happiness together.”

 

Jared was anxious to see Jensen, to know that everything was alright and that he was really going to commit to a lifetime with him. He stepped out in front of the church and saw Jensen come out from the other side. His heart skipped a beat and then swelled until he could swear he would burst. The man walking toward him was the love of his life and he was the most gorgeous man he had ever seen, hands down. He felt like running and swooping Jensen off his feet like some cheesy romance novel, but he tempered his steps and met Jensen in the middle in front of the minister.

 

Jensen’s hand instinctively reached out and grasped Jared’s, running a finger over his knuckles, his eyes never leaving the face he held so dear. He felt like he might pass out, but drew a deep steadying breath. He was certain as he stared into those everchanging eyes that he was the luckiest man alive. Jared was perfect for him and he felt like he had pulled off some sort of coup to have captured his love.

 

The ceremony was over in less than twenty minutes and they kissed for the first time in a week to the applause of their family and friends, fingers encircled with matching platinum bands, identical down to the engraving inside.

 

As they mingled during the reception, Jared would find himself starting to turn to search out Jensen, and would feel a warm hand brush the small of his back and creep around to his stomach and settle under his jacket low on his belly. He would lean back into the body behind him and smile, knowing he was exactly where he was meant to be.

 

Their plane took off less than an hour after they left the reception. They both slept through the flight, the nerves and stress of the day having worn them down, despite the happiness and contentment they were feeling. 

 

Their house at the resort was equipped with everything they would need and they fell into bed and made love slow and languidly before sleeping entangled through the night.

 

Kissing his new husband awake, Jared watched until Jensen’s eyes finally blinked open, clear and green in the early morning sunlight that flooded the room along with the soft breeze. “Come on, baby. Let’s go out to the beach. I wanna go swimming. Wanna make love to you in the water. I don’t want to waste any more time sleeping. Staying away from each other that whole week was easier said than done. I missed you way too much.”

 

Jensen laughed softly, stroking the length of Jared’s body with one hand and drawing his face down for another deep kiss with the other. “Yeah, me too. It started to feel like I was never going to be allowed to see you and touch you again. Let’s go out. Call for breakfast to be brought out to the pool in an hour or so?”

 

They walked out to the ocean hand in hand less than five minutes later, having paused only long enough to brush their teeth and call room service. 

 

Jensen smiled and pulled Jared closer as they surfaced, standing chest deep in the clear turquoise water of the sea, kissing with all the love they shared and the pent up need of a week apart. “Love you, Jay. Thank you for being patient with me and waiting for me to realize…”

 

“Realize what, Jen?” Jared asked when Jensen paused, his face looking so sincere as he stared into Jared’s eyes. 

 

Jensen’s emerald eyes were clear in the morning sun, sparkled with unshed tears. Jared cupped Jensen’s jaw as they stood wrapped together, the ocean causing them to sway together slightly with its surge and ebb. 

 

“That you are everything I could ever want and more than I ever imagined getting. I knew, you know? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know you were incredible, beautiful, so full of life and love. I just let my fear rule me for so long. Everyone I ever thought I might come to love always left me, I guess I wasn’t worth it to them. So, I guess thanks for giving me a chance and not giving up on me. Thanks for loving me. I love you. Forever.”

 

Jared felt tears prick his own eyes. “You are so incredible, baby. I can’t even comprehend anyone not realizing that. And really? Not like I had a choice. You had my heart a long time ago and I never wanted it back. I can’t imagine my life without you, wouldn’t know how to go on. You’re my soulmate, Jen. I love you...forever.”

 

 

**~~The End~~ The Beginning**

 

~~~~~~~


End file.
